I usually can tune it out and just ignore all the tiny babies, but every once in a while it smacks me in the face and I'm left a little dazed.
Ironically, there are still moments that I look at those tiny little hands and feet still feeling cheered somehow. Grateful they still get here safely.
The other day I went to the store for a dear, sweet friend who is due soon. I wanted so much to get her something. Off I went to the store, by myself, and braved the baby department. I thought it would be no big deal since I loved this woman so dearly.
I picked up a dozen outfits and then placed them back. One outfit, in particular, I carried around with me for at least ten minutes, but could not bring myself to buy...for it had an elephant on it...which is what one of Declan's take home outfits had.
I stared at the tiny socks, beanies, fleece hoodies, and onesies until I almost burst into tears. My head was spinning and I could not make up my mind.
By the time I was driving home, my heart hurt...but when I gave it to her...it all melted away. Her hugs and appreciation made anything I had felt evaporate. If I could just ask for a tiny piece of her sweetness and kindness I would be a very different person. She is a glowing sun that shines and warms where ever she resides. I admire her greatly!
Last year, when I would have a hard time it would last, and last, and last some more. Now I have bad moments...they flit in and out as fast as a heartbeat sometimes. Though I don't care for them, I know it's just my motherly heart missing my little boy.
The other day my friend was sitting by me and her daughter started saying, "Mumm, Mummm." It was luckily during a prayer and my eyes welled with tears and then they disappeared quickly. I had a quick flash of Declan hanging on my leg calling out, "Mum-Mu," and I couldn't help, but feel the searing pain. However, as quickly as it came it fled and I was okay.
I am actually looking forward to this holiday season. Last year I just got through it. I remember the sigh of relief when it was finally over.A few days ago, I was laying on my bed next to Emmy who was coughing terribly. Her eyes were puffy and she looked miserable. I curled up beside her and watched her breathing. I had been worried about all the things going on in my life and feeling so overwhelmed it brought me to tears, but as I laid by her I thought to myself, "This is what it's about."
Life is stressful for everyone. We have bills to pay, places to be, houses to clean, and things to do in a short amount of time...but being with those you love is why all of it is worth it...why we even put up with all the stress in the first place.
I am looking forward to just being us, my little family for the holidays. Life still holds a lot of tiny wonders, even among all the disappointment and despair.