I was reading and thinking about the day Declan was born a few days ago. It all came back in a swirl of emotions...but as I pulled my mind away I felt peace. It made me realize how far I have come in 13 months.
I have hit deep recesses of grief that I never knew even existed. I have charted unknown territories in loss and longing. I have had to learn to take a baby step forward pause catch my breath and then take another agonizingly tiny step again.
At times I felt, "I'm never getting anywhere!"
I fell on my face so many times I wondered why I kept getting up and placing myself to fall again. But I did it anyway.
Now that I have moved forward I'm not "over it." I think sometimes people feel that all of a sudden because you can have weeks of good days that life now is back to normal. You jumped the hurtle - now you're good.
I don't think it works that way. When you are missing someone it alters your life. I think of how different my life would be if Declan were here. I recognize it a lot. Though the empty seat in my car doesn't scream at me like it used to, there are times when I take Bryce to school when I think, "This should be much more complicated with Declan here."
My friend and I were talking about grief and she equated it to someone leaving. When a loved one goes on a trip and leaves or goes home after visiting you...do you miss them? Of course. Do you know you will see them again? Sure. Does the separation seem long (when you really like them)? Definitely. Can you live life again and enjoy it? Absolutely! But there's a piece of your heart that belongs to the missing, the longing, and the love that you hold for that person. No one can replace that section, nudge it out of the way, or fix that either. It's reserve...until you are reunited.
I think back to people I have known in my life that lost people they loved dearly. How unhelpful I was! My best friend when I was young lived next door. The day I met her she told me her mom had breast cancer, but was in remission. A few years later it came back with vengeance. It took her mom from her when she was only eleven. I saw the pain in her eyes. I knew she suffered. But I didn't know what to say or do. I always made the mistake of talking about her "parents," and she always corrected me, "parent."
Until Declan died I really had no idea the pain that is caused by someone dying. Sure I had rough things happen...even extremely difficult things. Life wasn't peachy for me when I was young, but when Declan died it was like nothing I ever have experienced. The feeling of pain ripping through my heart is indescribable. I couldn't imagine going through that when I was eleven.
Out of everything I am grateful I understand. I get it. I know the exhausted look in people's eyes that have spent every ounce of energy mourning the loss of a dear one.
But I also know that peaceful feeling after a storm rages. There's nothing like that either. Knowing that I am loved by my Heavenly Father and that I am looked after...there's no way to describe the cozy warm feelings.I think we feel we have to hurry up and get better. I look back and at first I did try to rush my grief. I've realized that I spent a year crying, feeling down, and allowing myself to feel my deepest fears, loss, and pain. Allowing myself that, has let me feel the cloud finally lift. I let the storm wash over me and rage overhead...so now I can see the sun. Putting off the storm, I believe, isn't going to make it dry up and blow away.
It isn't as though now other trials don't make me upset and life difficult, but as far as Declan goes...I just miss him. But am excited that one day I will see him. There may be days that it gets bad, but honestly this last month I have realized that I'm okay. I worried it would fade after a day or two, but it hasn't. I can focus on other challenges in my life...because Declan's death has trumped everything until now.
13 months...gave me a new beginning....