Then his eardrum ruptured Friday night.
Yeah...
I felt like the worst mom on the planet.
I tried to make it up to him by letting him lay in my bed as he watched movies. He was even able to eat pizza in bed.
When Christian arrived home late Friday night I was exhausted. I turned Bryce over to him and then went to sleep.
The next morning I awoke to Bryce asking where Daddy was. I muttered sleepily that he was probably sleeping in his room. (I had slept in the guest room so Christian could sleep by Bryce, but Bryce snores so loud Christian had to evacuate)
A few minutes I hear a scuffle and Christian comes in to inform me that our dog had an accident downstairs.
Grumpily I got up, at 7:30 on a Saturday, and headed downstairs. To say our dog had an "accident" does not even describe the mess she created.
Seriously I gasped out loud and hollered to Christian it was so much worse than we thought.
I really don't know how my dog accomplished all she did, it was on the baseboards and from the garage door to our stairs (opposite sides of the house).
I didn't even know where to begin.
As I cleaned up the mess I grumbled that she was leaving. We needed to find a new home for her. I couldn't do this.
I spent the next few hours washing everything with Clorox. We used wipes on the entire floor and then after that took our floor machine with Clorox in the water and washed the tile. I had to wash my couch slipcovers and everything that she could possibly touch.
After that nightmare I had to go and learn how to do my new job in our church. When I returned Bryce and Emmy jumping on the couch and fighting over toys. I told them to stop several times. Then suddenly Emmy yelped in pain and burst into tears...real tears; not the usually whining tears. I went over to investigate and she had blood everywhere.
I burst into tears myself. I was so done.
I scooped her up, panicked why she was bleeding. Her new shirt I had just ripped the tags of that day was covered in blood. I discovered it was her mouth that was cut open. It took me forever to get her to stop bleeding and then went about cleaning up another mess (luckily I removed the blood from her shirt). I had to wipe up my arms that were spotted with blood.
It wasn't my finest moment.
I then spent time, in a very grumpy tone, telling my children why they need to listen - which if they had it would not have happened. Bryce's car they had been fighting over had smacked her in the mouth which caused the bleeding.
After I calmed down I thought why it seems so much is bombarding me at once...or maybe I just feel that because I am so emotionally spent.
I have struggled the last few weeks feeling down. I know Declan's approaching first birthday is looming overhead. It almost feelings unreal. How did a year just go by? Just one year ago I posted how I was making freezer meals for when the baby came. I was worried about getting a crib, baby diapers, and pulling out the swing to put together. Little did I know that 27 days later from writing that post my precious baby wasn't going to need any of those things.
I think I just need to realize life isn't going to be any easier. I wanted baby chaos, but instead I got just chaos. The other day both my kids were throwing fits super loudly as we were at the store. I mean, everyone turning to look at us kind of fits (it's a small grocery store). I was at a loss of what to do. It was so crazy the only thing I could think to do was just start laughing. I'm sure people thought I had cracked and completely lost it as I exited with my kids hollering and crying at the top of their lungs, "I want a bar!"
I think I need to just throw my hands in the air and say, "Oh well!" then tip back my head and laugh. There's nothing left to do. I have shed tears for a year now - I don't know how much I have left.
I have excepted that life isn't going to ever be less complicated. This is my new chaos: dealing with my grief as I continue on my life path. Somehow everything seems so much more overwhelming since Declan died. I had hoped that would fade quickly, but so far it hasn't. I guess I never have been one to stay calm in the turbulent seas.
In the 8th chapter of Matthew is where, the story of Jesus calming the seas, resides. I read it today and it struck me very powerfully. His disciples are frightened of the storm and wake Him fearing their death. He calmly responds, "Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?"
I have been tossed in my own turbulent sea and I too have been just as fearful that I might not make it. I am often, "of little faith." I see the waves and know that it will capsize me and fear that will be it...I won't be able to withstand another blow. But I always do. I am pushed down below the frightening waters, but always break the surface eventually. Then I am frustrated that I struggled against the help that was there all along. The hand that is outstretched to help me, protect me, and I am so busy searching for the surface I can't see it.Hopefully next time I will calmly wait for that hand and know that it will come and that I can get battered with the strongest waves, but He won't leave me alone. That was never his design - for us to struggle alone. It is only my weakness that keeps me from Him.