Last night I picked up Emmy's journal and wrote in it. Then I picked up Bryce's. After I had written in his I turned back the journal to before Declan died. I read what I wrote about the coming baby. My heart stung as I read the passages.
Then I picked up Declan's journal. I had started it when I was 27 weeks pregnant with him...which is a late start for me usually. The first passage talked about the surprise he was meant to be...we had opted not to know what gender he was. I written about my love of the name Declan...and I didn't have a girl named picked out. I knew in the deepest crevices of my heart...he was a boy. I began to sob. I read on and had written about how I couldn't wait. Then at 33 weeks I stopped writing, I must have been distracted. The next entry was on the day of Declan's funeral.
I spent the time from his death to his funeral expressing my feelings here...in the blog. But the night of the funeral I curled up in my in-laws basement and composed the feelings of my broken heart. It was really hard to read. I still can't believe it really happened sometimes.
We have the audio of the funeral, but I have kept it safely stored in Declan's box...I can't yet. Maybe next year.
I laid in bed thinking about the last year last night. The roller coaster of emotions that I have been trapped on...begging to get off.
Since Declan died we have done several balloon releases. I love balloons. Something about them is cheerful though the reason for releasing them isn't. Even at the funeral I remember feeling lifted slightly by the balloons lazily drifting off to who knows where.
The only problem with a balloon is...it doesn't last. So when I was at the store I found plastic balloons. Perfect! I have three for Declan's grave. Then I got one for Bryce's room and I want to get a pink one for Emmy's room.
This is Bryce's:
I haven't hung it in Bryce's room yet. I need to get a hook for it. But I plan to hang it by the shadow box of Declan in his room.
As hard as it is to reread my journal entries about Declan, I am grateful I have them. If I hadn't started with Bryce, writing before he was born, I may not even have anything recorded about my feelings for my sweet babies...especially Declan. It makes me think that I need to always keep a record...not just here...so I never forget thoughts that I've had...there is healing that takes place when I am able to relive those feelings.
