I walked through the glass doors when my eyes fell upon a tiny baby wrapped in a blanket...not just any blanket, the exact blanket I snuggled around my sweet baby's body before burying him. I literally opened my mouth and mumbled out loud, "Ouch..." as my heart felt pierced; unknowingly by the man holding his sweet and completely innocent child.
My mind reeled as I found a seat and waited for Christian. When he was securely in his seat I asked him if he saw the baby. He said he vaguely remembered seeing the infant. I looked toward the open door to the foyer and gestured. His eyes followed and found the baby in the polka-dot blanket we have come to love and know well.
He gave me a sad look and said, "I'm sorry."
I wasn't sure what to expect after that. Part of me zoned out and I found myself wanting to be home curled up in my bed with my own polka-dot blanket I have to match Declan's.
The last hour of church we meet as men and women separately...we call our meeting Relief Society. It was there a wonderful woman, whose sister died as a baby, shared sweet words of encouragement to me. After the heartache I had endured today...it was the balm that healed that wound. Out of all the days she could have talked to me, I know she was prompted to share this day...because I needed it.
As the year approaches, both Christian and I are feeling the longing increase. We both are so grateful for Declan, but miss him terribly. I am so very, indescribably, grateful for Christian. He shares his thoughts and feelings freely about Declan...which help me heal in the process. It helps me feel not so alone during my longing for Declan.
As the world continues and babies are born...extremely frequently around us...it sometimes feels overwhelming. I have such mixed feelings: a tiny-itsy-bit jealous, mostly worry while they are pregnant, gratitude that it worked out for them, joy that they get to be with their sweet baby, and a sprinkle of longing for my own sweet boy.
I was thinking the other day, as I smelled something that reminded me of a perfume my mom was wearing when we were making funeral arrangements, that in one day everything that I worried and considered my worst nightmare, during pregnancy, came true. The c-section alone was hard for me to deal with...and as I told Bryce today when he asked why Declan was born that day, that I was willing to do it to save Declan's life. So I hurried and prayed as my mind slipped away with the anesthesia...then awoke to excruciating pain and a broken heart.
It almost seems like a dream...something I concocted in my mind. Sometimes I sit and study his pictures worried that sometimes I have just associated his name with the severed part of my heart. He was my sweet boy...one that I worked very hard to get here safely...and it didn't work.
Sometimes I think I kid myself thinking that I'm in charge. If I just put in the effort I can will anything to happen. Losing Declan was a rude awakening. I can try all I may, but if it isn't meant to be...it won't.
All I have left of this first year without Declan is a month. One tiny little month. I keep thinking about what I was doing last year right now. I looked up my private blog and this was my entry last year this exact day:
Why is it when you look forward to something it goes so quickly? Each week as Friday approaches I gear up for a nice weekend. Then I blink and there it goes whizzing by and I'm left wondering where it went. This weekend has been too speedy for my liking.
Christian and I actually got a lot accomplished today. But we did have some fun down time with the kids. I snapped these photos with my cell phone of Christian and Emmy. Emmy was insistent that Christian wear Mr. Potato Head's glasses. Poor Christian almost lost an eye. But Emmy kissed him better.
My exciting Saturday night has so far consisted of putting the kids to sleep, waiting for Christian to finish up pest control, and trying to ignore the fairly painful contractions I am feeling. (I don't remember them hurting like this with the other two) But hopefully we can curl up and watch the movie that took me an hour to figure out how to Clear Play. haha. (I thought I had it down but it started acting up on me)
It's strange how a little perspective changes everything. I apologize for looking back and reminiscing. As my year approaches, I can't seem to help it.
Happy 11th months Declan!
