Lately I feel no matter where I turn suddenly something will tug on my heart. I went to the library with Emmy and we sat on a couch as she handed me books to read to her. She hopped up next to me as she handed me a book with bears. Thinking nothing of it I opened it up and began to read. The book was about three little bears...no Goldilocks...and they wondered how their mom and dad loved all of them. The bears were two boys and a girl. They were even arranged boy, girl, and the baby was a boy. The similarities to my own children started to creep into my mind...but I pushed it away. Then I read to Emmy how the littlest bear was concerned that because he was the smallest that maybe he wasn't special...I almost started crying. It was a little kid's book and I'm getting completely teary eyed in the library.
Times such as these are always surprising me. I have no idea why...after a year of them I should be used to them...but I'm not.
I went to the store last night to grab something. As I parked I half glanced at the sign stationed in front of the parking spot next to mine. "Parking for Expectant Mothers and Mothers with Infants."
A pain seared in my heart. I was confused why that would bug me...even if Declan had lived he certainly wouldn't be with me on my small trip. But it did.
It's Tuesday again...another week gone. I think Tuesdays are always going to be different for me...from now on. The funny thing is I still remember that Bryce was born on a Wednesday. But I have no idea what day of the week Emmy was born...I just looked it up...it was a Tuesday. Weird.
Lately, Bryce has asked me a lot about Declan. The other day he asked if Declan was sick when he died. I told him about his heart and then it ended up stopping. I could see the pain in his eyes and the worry he felt for his little brother. "Awww...that's sad."
With tear filled eyes I answered, "Yes it is."
Sweet Bryce never fails me. He always is willing to talk about Declan. He wants to understand and he asks many questions. I seem to have to repeat many thoughts over and over so, lately, it has worked out nicely.
As hard as it has been to teach such young children about loss and death...because they are very young they have such a different perspective. They will grow up knowing about Declan...he has become a part of their lives now and I hope forever...which is very special to me.
Over Bryce's bed...where Declan's crib was meant to reside...hangs a shadow box of Declan's things. Sitting on top of this shadow box is his tiny bear the hospital gave us. Once in a while I walk over and clean the dust off the bear. It frustrates me when I see dust on it...I still can see his little tiny arm wrapped around the body of the little bear.Another Tuesday...another day...but he is never far from my thoughts.
