I have prayed earnestly for help...relief...and maybe just strength to endure. It still amazes me in my darkest hour there is always a text, phone call, email, or facebook message that touches my soul. I feel bad that it still surprises me...it's not as though I think badly of people...(At least I hope not)...I just can't believe they are still thinking about me. I realize people have their own lives...sorrows...and hectic schedules...so when people stop what they were doing even for a moment to make sure I'm okay...I...don't even know how to express how humbling that is.
A year ago I was huge, pregnant, and dying of heat. I had no idea how much people would rally for me. I was unaware of the life change event that was just weeks away. Seeing from this side of things, I can't believe how my perspective has been altered.
I guess I am a pessimist or felt very insignificant in this life...because I never felt very interesting or important to people. When people started to tell me how sorry they were...I was so grateful. I thought it would fade after a few weeks...but it hasn't.
I was talking to my friend, who lost her baby girl just before Declan died, and she said another angel baby mommy was asked what she wanted...her response..."I just want you to remember."
I want that too. I just want Declan remembered...that he mattered. That has been given to me. I thought I would be sitting here, about now, thinking...no one thinks about it anymore. But that's not true.
I hope she doesn't mind, but I received this poem from my cousin (well she's married to my cousin, but she's still my cousin) and I got it on a day I really needed it. It is beautiful and made me cry because she actually sat down and thought of these touching words:
Cuddle my mommy
She’s sitting in that rocker
She’s holding my teddy bear
She’s wishing she could have done something more
She’s wishing I was somehow there
She doesn’t know why I was taken so soon
Why I was not given more time
I know I’m in a better place now
But that doesn’t ease the pain of mine
I want to run in and hold her close
And tell her it’s all okay
I know I can no longer do that now
I just wish there was another way
I’m trying to hold onto her heart
And she’s trying to hold onto me
I’m not asking much, just one small thing
Can you please, just cuddle my mommy!
-Laura
I hope everyone knows how much I am grateful for everything they do for me. It does not go unnoticed.
Only a few weeks separate me from Declan's first birthday...I don't even know how I feel about it. It is so strange a year has passed.
I read a blog today about a little boy who died of SIDS just exactly two weeks after Declan died. He was the cutest little boy. Listening to his mother's pain-filled words touched my heart. I thought of how devastated I already was when that sweet boy left his parents. So many broken hearts. My friend just reached a year after her sweet sister-in-law, Natty, died of cancer in her early 20s. (Click here for her story)
Apparently I am in a song dedicating mood, this song is for everyone who's heart is hurting right now...
