On my week by week count down it says how big the baby is and we've now arrived at the size of a honeydew. I'm sure they mean just the length not weight, but it feels like there's a massive honeydew in there, maybe a small watermelon. haha.
As previously mentioned I have a huge to do list as most people do. I have actually checked off quite a bit. I got a rocking chair, which I honestly didn't think I would find and for a great price. Then I got half the freezer meals done. In two weeks we'll finish them up. I have started to organize, which when you get going doesn't it feel less organized?
I got out all the baby stuff the other day and wondered, what did my kids wear? I don't have that much newborn stuff. I guess they were both summer babies and onesies were good enough. It's so weird not knowing this time. I bought a gender friendly outfit and Bryce helped me pick a cute green blanket with a monkey on it for the hospital.
I have watched way too many baby shows on TV and they have me worrying about the silliest things. But for some reason I can't stop watching them. The worst is NICU. The poor sweet babies that are so tiny and have so many issues. I have to fast forward when they give them IVs or anything cause I can't handle watching such a tiny arm being poked like that! I've really got to stop watching these shows. Poor Christian as walked by a few times and he about passed out when he even heard them talk about it.
All in all I'm moving along with my to do list and hope I've completed it by the time our little bean decides to have his or her birthday.
When I got home from the hospital my DVR was filled with baby shows that I had to delete as quickly as possible. The NICU show was the worst.
Since Declan was struggling before he was born plus he was a month early we had a NICU team there waiting to help him out in my c-section.
They did everything they could to help Declan breathe and safe his life. I am very grateful for them. Because of them, and their efforts to saving my baby, I know that Declan just wasn't meant to be here. We weren't meant for that kind of miracle.
I have often wondered, what if he had lived, just for a moment. Would that have been better or worse. I will never know...but if I were to guess...I think it would have been harder to let him go having seen him kick, cry and look at me.
I prepared so much for Declan's arrival...freezer meals, blankets, clothes, and a rocking chair. How was I to know that those freezer meals would come in handy because I didn't want to bother cooking after the funeral? I had no idea I would sit in the rocking chair because it was the only placed that didn't absolute hurt my c-section incision. I definitely didn't think that the blanket that Bryce so lovingly picked out for his brother would end up being his...a small memento to remind him of Declan.
Life doesn't always turn out the way that we think. I am constantly being shown that. But that doesn't mean that all is lost either. I have felt battered and broken for almost a year now. But oddly, now, I feel peace. I'm not sure why. I just know that no matter what, everything is okay. I'll take it. I have been on the worst emotional roller coaster of my life...I want off!!
