I've never been a fan of hospitals. It probably stemmed from the fact that when I was in fourth grade I fainted in a choir rehearsal and fell four risers up onto the hard floor with my head...resulting in a concussion that landed me in the hospital for several days. I've never had a broken bone, stitches (that weren't wisdom teeth or baby related) or anything really...except a severe concussion. I guess since that was so rough I wasn't asked to go through anything else.
So when I was a teenager I would almost pass out at the thought of being in a hospital. When I had to visit friends or even my mom after she had surgery...let's just say I had to take a lot of deep breaths and sit down.
After having Bryce my thoughts about hospitals changed. The smells and feel of a hospital reminded me of Bryce and those quiet hours as I was in labor awaiting his arrival. That feeling lingered as I had Emmy. I remember inhaling the smell of the detergent on my lovely gown they gave me and it brought me right back to having Bryce. The two sweet experiences, I thought, had cured me of my disdain for hospitals.
Then Declan arrived. I couldn't leave that hospital fast enough. I left earlier than normal, which was good considering I had a funeral to plan.
I have since gone to the hospital to deliver thank yous and flowers. The day I did, my friend had her sweet boy and I dropped off something at the nurses station for her. They looked at me puzzled why in the world would I not want to go in if I made this trek all the way down to the hospital. But I said nothing of the anxiety I was feeling and hurried out.
Yesterday I went to the hospital again. It wasn't the one I delivered Declan at, but as I stepped out of the elevator I was bombarded by pregnant women everywhere. Gowned with IV in hand, they strolled the halls of Labor and Delivery area of the hospital. My kids rushed with me to the nurses station as I cowardly dropped it off and practically ran out. I felt bad not seeing how my friend was doing. But I couldn't.
I tried to not look at the empty bassinets along the walls or the nursery that was right by the elevator, but I did. Luckily when I looked inside the nursery I saw no baby.
Then we retreated to the car. I was grateful no one was leaving with a baby in their arms.
I almost broke down in the parking lot, but as quickly as the feelings came, they evaporated once outside.
I know everything is going to be fine. Knowing that doesn't seem to wipe away the fact that now hospitals bring pain. I can't step in labor and delivery rooms anymore...at least until I leave one with a baby in my arms. I didn't even think about how hard it would be...it wasn't even where Declan was born. But as I walked the halls of the hospital my thoughts turned to my friends...both of which said goodbye to their babies there. I pictured their heartbreaking journey to the elevators next to the nursery. Then the doors closing taking them down to their cars...empty handed.
Maybe that was why it was harder than I thought it would be. Kooper and Addi were born there and though I never got to meet them they have become sweet friends along with their strong and amazing moms.
I hope one day going to the hospital isn't so difficult for me. Maybe, I can make peace with the dreaded place I had to say goodbye to Declan. Perhaps, after I have my rainbow baby someday...
