I've been teaching for 7 months now. It is not an easy road for me. I worry and fret that my inefficiencies will cause those participating in the meeting to not receive what they came to partake.
Lately I've been wondering, "Can I actually be getting worse?"
The wonderful women I'm teaching are so supportive and sweet to me. Not once have I felt they looked at me and thought, "Oh maybe she'll do better next time."
I, however, think, "I should be improving, right?"
My nerves get the best of me and I am very frustrated that the feelings of my heart are so difficult to articulate as dozens of eyes are upon me.
I know however that the Spirit fills in where I lack...and I am grateful. I know I've been asked to perform something that is very difficult for me, but I'm not left alone up there.
I lately have felt very overwhelmed, not just with teaching. So many things seem to be bombarding me from all angles. I went to lunch with a friend and she shared she had felt the same way. She told me that she decided to read the story of Job. I have meant to read it for myself, but her words touched me deeply. Job had lost everything...and yet he was still loved of the Lord. Just because I feel I am asked to carry burdens I haven't wanted, doesn't mean that there is no purpose in it.
I hope I can set aside today and read the story of Job. I still have so much to feel blessed. I have so much and need not worry about what has been taken.
Life is rough. It batters us as we go through it. But it also is sweet and lovely. Sometimes I catch myself staring out at the sunset and thinking how strange it is to feel good after everything that has devastated me.
I have noticed tender mercies along the way that I may not have otherwise.
Job had everything taken from him...and then when it looked like it couldn't get any worse he was covered in boils. At that point I would be calling it quits. I think I would look heavenward and wonder what I had done to deserve such pain.
I have often thought...well it can't get any worse...but it can. Instead I would like to think, it isn't as bad as I thought.
We received a phone call today from Christian's sister. Their dad is in the hospital as I write this. We have prayed for his speedy recovery and hope that he feels the love of his family. When I picked up the phone I had no idea that the news would be about anything upsetting. Hearing someone is in the hospital is never fun...but lately I get a little panicky when I hear about hospital visits. I know I need to let go of the worry that when someone in my family goes to the hospital that something very bad might happen...but it's difficult.
