My heart ached in my chest as I watched...my pregnant belly with Declan inside.
I had forgotten how little Emmy was when I was pregnant. She absolutely loved the "baby in my mommy's tummy."
I remembered being frustrated because I didn't have the energy to clean up the house (that's why there's laundry everywhere in the video) and how rotten I always felt. Now I wish I had better and more video of my pregnant tummy with Declan.
I had completely forgotten I had taken this video. Though it's not even good quality it is precious to me.
Sometimes it feels as though Declan was just a distant memory...it is hard to believe that it happened less than a year ago. My journey to this day was long and rough. I feel as though I was pregnant so long ago...though I know it wasn't.
I found other videos with this...Emmy's first birthday for instance...
I spent yesterday morning moving my videos to my computer. It was therapeutic to place them inside their special folder. All those random moments that I happened to catch on video. Snapshots into our daily life before everything started to crumble around me. Even though the video isn't wonderful, I can hear our voices...especially my sweet children.
Another week has passed.
My friend is approaching her sweet Addi's year this Saturday. It has been wonderful and heartbreaking to have her there for me...her heart had to be smashed to understand when mine was. I am so grateful for her and her willingness to share her feelings about Addi with me. I know there is a reason we happened to be in the same place when our babies left us only 6 weeks apart. It still baffles my mind that it really happened.
I am sorry my friend, but I know the strength that has emerged from you. Addi didn't just want to come and get a body, she wanted you as her mom.
Thank you for seeing through your own grief to be there for me. This isn't something that is easy to comprehend, I know I didn't quite understand until happened to me. It has been such a blessing to have such strong women walk a similar path as me and help me know that I can continue on and not just sit down and give up.
Today I am in a good place. I've been sad, but not destroyed any more. Hope is always lingering not far from me. I know that Declan knows that we love him. I am sure of that. My kids bring him up every day...especially Bryce. It is a blessing because I never want them to forget that it happened...not that they probably could. I want them to feel their brother's presence in their lives...always.
For my anniversary last month Christian and I got matching dog tags:
The small one says: "Our Love's forever"
The large one has the Chinese symbol for "Son"
I appreciate Christian always allowing me to talk of Declan and paying tributes to him. It helps me heal and feel validated. He has been such a support to me. I would be so lost without him. He his very mindful of my aching heart. I don't know how I became so blessed to have him in my life.
