The weekend was fantastic...just what I needed. Then a small explosion went off in my heart...a beautiful pregnant woman was at the beach for her maternal photo shoot. I tried not to look at her exposed pregnant belly...but my eyes wandered to her roundness and my heart sunk.
I rallied and tried not to let it bother me. Every thing turned out fine. I went on my way and she on hers.
Then the next day I sat on the beach...my feet dug into the warm sand and more bombs burst inside my aching heart...my eyes kept finding babies. A little boy about Declan's age was screaming at the top of his lungs because he didn't want to have anything to do with the ocean waves coming near him. His mother and father trying desperately to calm his fears, but he was sure this was not what he wanted to do. Next, a pack-n-play with a sleepy baby inside...and so on.
My heart hurt so bad that I took my finger and wrote in the sand: Declan. Then I drew a little heart. The words came next: Miss you. I tried hard not to cry.I glanced over at Bryce and Emmy who where playing with Christian. My heart sunk. He should be here. It had been Bryce's and Emmy's first time at the beach...and what would have been Declan's. When it was time to go I could hardly speak.
We drove quietly for a long time and then rolled down the windows in the car. It had rained and we were up the mountains. The damp air mixed with the wood aroma cheered me as I hugged my pillow. I inhaled slowly and tried to not focus on my loss. Declan is still my son. Even though we are separated right now...it is temporary.
We watched fireworks off in the distance as we drove home. As I watched the colorful explosions I thought how this should have been his first 4th of July. Then I thought of Bryce's first fourth of July. We had gone to a fireworks show and he had screamed so loud because the noise was too much for him...we ended up leaving early.
I told Christian that I'm ready for all the "firsts" to be over. Though the "seconds" and "thirds"...aren't perfectly fine either, I'm just ready for it not to knock me down each time we are supposed to be all together as a family...but we aren't. We're missing someone...and we always will...our family is incomplete here. When I watch my kids play with Christian I always think..."Where would Declan fit into this mix, if he were here?" I hope that the "firsts" are much harder than the rest of the time we are missing Declan. They can't get any worse I suppose...so that's good.
It was a fantastic trip filled with wonderful memories...I will treasure them all. I hope Declan was able to see his family enjoy the beach and remember him in the process:
I hope you all had a wonderful weekend....
