Decorating...

I am just coming off the crazy roller coaster that was my trip to see family...and Declan's grave.  I had a good time decorating for Memorial Day...and then later for every day.  I bought him something to hang things on...lanterns and balloons.  It was really theraputic.

On Memorial Day Christian and I bought beautiful roses and we had a balloon release with our family.  It was amazing.  I was starting to think I was healing rather well...

Then the bomb hit that my baby cousin died.  I was hurled right back, but this time...I couldn't do anything.  I knew the pain, I knew the suffering, but all I could do was small gestures hoping it soothed somewhat.  I should know what to do or say...how silly that I'd been through it, but was still baffled at what to say to help.

I think somehow I was in shock.  8 months later and someone else in my family was suffering the way that I was...it was crazy!  This wasn't supposed to happen in my family within a year of us.

I never wanted anyone I knew to go through this...but there I was at a funeral for my baby cousin, watching my Uncle and Aunt carry the casket of one of the most precious people in their lives.

I know it wasn't a coincidence that I "happened" to be there or that it happened only 8 months later than Declan.  Still I felt useless.  Was I even helpful?

All in all I came away with a broken heart.  It was already broken, but now has been re-fractured.  Had it been a friend I would have been very sad...but this was a sweet uncle that used to tease me and play darts with us.  He was always one of my very favorite uncles (don't tell my other uncles that ;))  He always made me feel included, since I was on the younger side of the clump of grand kids that he ended up being close in age to.  Not at all the typical "uncle."  He was just Kent.

As I left to come home I visited Declan's grave one last time.  Emotions ran high as I, for the first time, sobbed over his headstone.  I wiped my tear drops away, grabbed the pinwheels that I wanted to keep with me, and then turned and walked away...very slowly.

I watched the blue and green plastic balloons I had hung until I couldn't see them any longer.  My mom asked me if I wanted to stay longer, but I knew...I wouldn't ever leave if I did.

 

Emmy with her brother's pinwheels trying to get them to spin

We added more dirt around and placed the metal piece to hang items on (it even has a bell)

My mom got lanterns for Memorial Day

Declan's Bell

Bryce wiping clean his brother's headstone

Jax (my nephew)

My sister Kae taking pictures for me

Emmy busy at work fixing up Declan's grave

It was hailing on me as I knelt there

His balloons

I brought these flowers from home so he could have a piece of it

Emmy attended to Declan's pinwheels and made sure they were just right

Two of my nephews

It was a rough weekend with a glimmer of hope at the end.  Christian, being my rock, helped me to see the hope that still lingered through all this murky sadness.  How grateful I am for him.