Last night I watched a talk from Elder Richard G. Scott of the quorum of the 12 apostles. His words touched me very deeply. He spoke about his wife, who is now passed on, and his son that died very young. He spoke about getting up with his son, who had a heart condition, and his little heart would race causing him to throw up. Elder Scott said that he cleaned his son up and then held him trying to get his heart to calm. He was very grateful for that time with his son since he died not long after.
Hearing these words I began to sob uncontrollably. I listened to how his wife and him had to pull over the car on their way home from the hospital as they cried. He spoke of the peace they felt knowing that they would see their son again.
I loved his words expressing the great motivation to being a good person since he had two children and a wife waiting for him. I have felt this as well with Declan.
I listened to his patient way of parenting and I wondered, "Am I being the best mom I could be?" I have mentioned my struggle with my oldest. He is a challenging child for me to raise. I worry every day that I could have done better.
Christian suggested after we watched the talk to go check on each of our children. I watched my husband gently kneel beside our son's bed and sweetly arrange his blankets. I curled up on the bottom of his bed and felt a rush of emotion overwhelm me. I sobbed into my son's comforter.
My mind thought to where the crib should be across the room...that is now empty since I moved Emmy back in her room. I thought of if I lost Bryce I would have so much regret that I wasn't as patient as I should have been. I cried so hard I didn't know if I would ever stop.
Finally I curled up next to him and touched his still soft hair...which reminds me of baby hair...and kissed him gently on that soft fluff. Then I retreated from his room as he started to get restless.
Then I entered Emmy's room. I sat next to her tiny bed. I watched her breathe. I leaned against her wall and thought about all the wonderful times we have had. I wonder sometimes what Declan and I would have shared. Would he crack me up? Would I find him so very sweet? Would he be mischievous like his sister? Or would he be thoughtful and introspective like his brother?
Christian joined me by Emmy and I started to cry again. I held his hand and let the tears take over. After a few minutes I started to get up and he said we could go sit by Declan's pictures (in our loft). As I walked to the loft I felt each step that took me closer to the pictures my tears became more frequent. I sobbed in my chair staring at my sweet boy's picture. I heard Christian sniffing next to me. How we both long for our little "buddy."
I have been so grateful for a husband that allows me to grieve. He never gets frustrated that I cry a lot. He patiently holds me until I'm through. It has been a huge blessing in my life. He is always so concerned about my feelings and if I'm okay. I hope I return the favor...I'm afraid it isn't as frequent as it should. Although Christian doesn't cry the way I do.
I have asked him many times about that. We've concluded that it is just different for men and women. It isn't that he doesn't care, he very much longs for and misses Declan, but his emotions do not lead him to cry. He expresses when he is sad, but there is something tender in each woman because we carried that baby and connected on a level that is so indescribable. In some small way I think as women we hold ourselves responsible for that little one. Though we understand things sometimes are out of our hands, we can't help but wonder if something could have been done to help the situation. I try hard each day not to let myself go to that dark place where I go over my pregnancy and wonder if I made a mistake to cause Declan's death. I have been given such peace to know that it was out of my hands. I did everything I could have to bring him here safely...he just wasn't meant to stay.
It was a rough night. But I feel better today. I have felt the peace that I needed so much. How grateful I am for that! It was definitely a "tidal wave" last night as my friend and I have affectionately called the bad nights. But the morning came and the sun rose and everything is as it should be...for now.
