My sweet Emmy has started to love singing. I wandered into Christian's office as she knelt down next to our dog and stroked her silver fur as she sang, "I am a Child of God."
My heart swelled as I watched her tiny fingers gently run through our dog's fur. Her high pitched voice sounded passed her cherry lips. Her angelic golden curls created a halo on her head.
"Lead me, guide me, walk beside me, help me find the way. Teach me all that I can do to live with Him someday."
Of course her pronunciations were a bit different, but I recognized the tune after a minute of hearing it. I almost started to cry. That was one of the songs we sang at Declan's funeral. It is also the song I sang to her every night while I was pregnant with Declan.
I remember sitting on her floor and singing those beautiful words as I gently touched my pregnant belly. After a few months she learned the song and would sing along with me. I sang that song up until Declan came and then our lives were flipped upside-down. Nothing stayed the same - our routine was completely altered. I try to sing it to Emmy now and my words get choked up in my throat.
Both of my children pray for Declan every time it's their turn to pray. It is so cute to hear their little voices professing their love of their little brother.
I have a Willow figurine that is a dad sitting and holding a baby, it's name is "New Dad." I bought it on the way home from the hospital. I burst into tears when I saw it. I thought of the sweet baby we had just said goodbye to and how my sweet husband had looked holding our son. Nothing has made more of an impression in my mind than watching Christian hold each of our infants. They all love him instantly.
I have placed that figurine where the kids can see it all the time. Bryce looked at it the other day and touched the tiny baby in the figurine and asked, "Why did he die?"
"Declan?" I clarified.
"Yes." He answered.
"Because Heavenly Father wanted him back." I told him.
"Oh." was his response and then he changed the subject.
I feel bad that my answers are always the same. I know it is confusing to a five year old why his baby brother isn't here. He talks about babies being precious all the time. I know he misses the little brother that was supposed to be his roommate.
It means so much to me that my Declan isn't being forgotten. My kids and our extended families have been amazing at honoring our little boy. Declan's only cousin that is his age sleeps with the bear we got all the cousins. My sister's boys all have loved their bears as well. It means so much that they know and recognize they have another cousin. My fear was that Declan would not be remember by anyone, but Christian and I.
Bryce is right, babies are precious...children are precious. I am so grateful for mine!
