Circles...

In high school I attended a building that literally made us go in circles.  People joked it looked like a space ship.  While we passed from class to class our "clever" SBOs thought it would be fantastic to play, "Walk around in circles," every...single...day.

I catch myself feeling that I am walking around in a circle in my life.

Am I heading anywhere?...or do I just keep circling around the block and land myself where I started?

The refiners fire has been piping hot lately.  I pray for a cold rush of water, but only get a few drops of lukewarm refreshment.

My mind keeps screaming, "Help!"

Everyone keeps telling me I'm doing great.  I'm strong.

Am I?

I don't feel like it.

I have to pry myself out of bed each morning.  My pillow and blanket are too cozy.

Sleeping is almost impossible.  Once I am actually asleep then waking feels impossible.

Just as I feel like I hit rock bottom...the sun shines.

I get a reprieve...and I wonder where the pain went.

Then as I am enjoying what I hope is my climb out of the "pit of despair" I get knocked back inside.  I clutch the sides begging anyone to help me not fall.

A pile of laundry, dishes, and clutter are almost so overwhelming I feel like packing it up and shipping it off somewhere...anywhere but here.

I somehow can't keep up.  I try.  Each day I swear I do dishes and laundry...but somehow it just grows when I am not looking.

I started "Wuthering Heights," by Emily Bronte last night.  My absolute favorite book was written by her sister Charlotte, "Jane Eyre."  I have never read "Wuthering Heights," and know it is a tragic ending.  Maybe this isn't the best time to read something depressing...but I have wanted to read it and get it on my, "I've read list."

I am also reading "War and Peace," by Tolstoy...it is only taken me a year to get hardly anywhere...but again I want to have read it.

Distracting myself with literature isn't working as well as I would like.  Running is a great stress relief, but with schedules the way they are it is hard many times to find the time.  I know I need to start something else on the side, but my motivational skills are lacking these days.

I am visiting Declan's grave soon and I know that will be nice.  I haven't had the opportunity to decorate the grave since we lost him.  I am looking forward to that.  I am a little jealous of my other angel baby moms that get to decorate for all occasions.  I don't regret where we buried him, I just wish I was closer.

I really miss that little boy.  Sometimes I swear I might break in half.  I love you Declan!!