I suppose I will take his advice...here is what I know...
Friendship is a gift and mercy from God.
The smallest peek into the keyhole of Heaven...are the friendships we form here.
As a teenager and small child I moved a lot...I mean a lot. The longest I ever lived anywhere was four years...and that still is, after 28 years, the longest I have lived in one home.
That made friendships difficult. Leaving behind friends is a heart wrenching experience, but realizing their life went on without you is even worse...almost as if you never existed to them.
Getting elementary and middle school kids to write to you when you are lonely is almost impossible.
I always wanted to find "home."
I remember when I would have a hard day or just feeling blue I would think it myself, "I just want to go home." Sometimes I was in my house at the time. What was home? I had never felt it. I always felt like the "new girl" everywhere I lived...with one brief exception when I lived in Pittsburgh.
As I am reaching my 29th birthday I realized I feel like I found home. I have real friends. The people you don't have to pretend to be happy when you aren't. Those who you can cry with and will hug you no matter if you look like you could really use a shower. People who know you need an ice cream or flowers and show up on your doorstep. People who hear you express your sadness over and over; never tiring and hoping you will just "get over it" soon. The people you feel safe with no matter what.
The first real friend I made (besides family) that I could literally tell anything to was...Christian. I remember blurting things out to him and then being horrified that I had told someone my thoughts...especially a cute guy! I remember how sweet and easy he was to talk to...as if everything I said was captivating (though I know it was absolutely not). I felt my soul leap having someone to confide in and who seem to understand me through my strange and weird, not to mention awkward, tendencies. Most people would look at me dumbfounded and probably were thinking, "Wow, poor, strange girl...this is awk-ward."
I still to this day am mystified that Christian found me the tiniest bit interesting...but how grateful I am that he did.
Those friends I made in Pittsburgh I have carried in my heart all these years. Many of them were at Declan's funeral and as I sat looking around at them my heart was so full to know they still were there for me. I always heard that the friends we make in college are the friends we keep for life. My friends in high school I ended up keeping.
Then I moved to my current residence. Here I have met so many amazing people. Friendships that I always dreamed of forming, but never seemed to be very successful.
I cannot count how many have brought me flowers, dinners, treats, and hugs. Each time my heart fills with gratitude and I know they are an angel sent to me from Heavenly Father.
Today I had a knock on my door and didn't expect it to be anything more than a salesman. I opened my door and there was my sweet friend with the most beautiful tulips I have ever seen. These last weeks have really hurt and I don't know why, but having flowers in my home brightens me darkest days. When I wake in the morning there they are just happy to see me. (I clean my kitchen better so they look pretty on my counter)It was just what I needed after the longest week ever.
Thank you my dear friend. I am sure you were always sweet to everyone before...but I know Addi has made you even more so.
As I glance over at my tulips tonight I am more certain than ever that Heavenly Father meant for us to love and care for one another...it was his way of lifting our burdens and giving us a way to not just get through life, but also enjoy it.
The ultimate friendship or rather relationship that I have recently tried to cultivate better is with my Savior. He above all understands us. He can literally rescue us from our sorrow and sin. I hope that I can lean on Him as life continues to present its challenges. My life has been completely altered, especially in this life, and I will need His assistance to make it. My family is minus one person...and will till we die. That for obvious reasons is changed everything. Having Declan absent is going to be a lifetime event. Thinking about what he was supposed to be doing, where he was supposed to be, and all that I don't get to see is hard for me to fathom.
But as I told Christian today...I need to focus on the postponement of things not what I am missing out on. I worry that I will wish away my life on what I was robbed of instead of rejoicing about what I have been given. I am so blessed...and so blind to it.
I hope all of you have a sweet and joyful Easter. Happy Birthday to my sweet 30 yr old sister-in-law, Josy! We love you!May all of us turn toward our Savior this Easter and really ponder the gifts He has given us...me especially. I know that I cannot continue each day without Him.
Thank you for your prayers! I pray for you all! I appreciate you all!
