When I saw the first sprouts I was thrilled. I showed Christian and told him I was turning over a new leaf...okay sorry about the pun. I actually could grow something.
Then we went on a trip. When I got home my poor plants were laying limp on the sides of the pot. Sadness filled me as I put a little water on the dry soil. The next morning I found the poor plants were trying to revive. A few weeks later they were looking fresh and healthy once more.
I watched over them carefully. I tended to them making sure they were watered and had sunlight. Then I got distracted. My poor sunflower did not make it. It withered and died. I mourned my sad little plant as I threw it away.
I continued to try to keep my basil plant alive...but I haven't been doing a good job and it was starting to wither away. My sister came to visit and she revived my basil plant while she was here.
My plant made me think about what we can do for other people. Though the plant is responsible to take root and grow; it needs nourishment...it needs help. None of us are an island...and who would want to be? This coming from a girl who nicknamed herself "the loner" in high school. I was too scared to ask for help. Too scared to let people see the wounded girl inside. Too scared no one would want to care about me if I tried. So I didn't. I was alone. I built a huge wall around myself and pretended my fortress wasn't keeping me from anything important. I was so very deluded.
I have had many people pick me up and gently place me in the sunlight. Others who "watered" my dry thirst. What would I do without help now? I struggle as it is...I can't imagine if I felt no one cared about me...I would probably be in the corner crying all the time.
I worry sometimes there are people in my path that are alone and I haven't reached out to them. If I ever found that out, I would be devastated. I know how it feels to feel so very alone that you think the loneliness will crush you...I don't want that for anyone.
My sister's love and care for my poor basil plant inspired me to continue her work. Sometimes I wonder if I am thriving or shriveling up into nothing. As I threw away my sunflower plant I couldn't help, but wonder if I were to give up I would be much like my sunflower plant...lifeless and lost. Would that be what Declan would want for me? I know that would be a resounding, "No." But there are those moments I lose my focus and hopelessness seeps inside me. I just want to curl on my couch and never move. I have felt that a lot since I hit the 6 months after Declan. I have been feeling brittle...as if any quick movement would snap me in half.My sister being here helped a lot. She patiently listened to me whine and throw myself a huge pity party. I also talked to my friend today and she sweetly talked with me. It helped so much to voice my sadness and not be told to "Just move on." or "Oh you're fine." We talked about hobbies that we can do to pull us away from our sadness and especially my pity party. I know that being sad is apart of grief, but I don't want it to rob me of my life. I want to be able to be there for my kids that are still here.
My sweet Bryce was talking about who was in Heaven. He talked about Moses (we've been talking about Bible prophets with him) and a few more people and then he randomly said, "And Addi is there too." I looked at my five year old surprised. I didn't realize how much he had been listening to me. Addi is my friend's sweet angel baby that passed away 6 weeks before Declan. I smiled sadly and said, "Yes, you are right Buddy. Addi is there too."
People are amazing if we let them. I have been terrible at letting others help me...but when I do I feel my soul soothed. Just like Bryce people notice if we give them a chance to. I am still amazed at those to talk to me about Declan. On Sunday a sweet woman and two daughters were sitting behind us in church. Emmy was playing with one of the daughters and not being as reverent as I hoped...but they were so cute with her. After the meeting I apologized for Emmy distracting...then the sweet women talked to me about Declan and how sorry she was. Her tears meant so much to me. I am always touched when someone cares enough to bring them to tears. My heart is full...each tear shed on Declan's and my family's behalf fills and waters my withering heart. It brings me back as I feel myself slip away to the sad place that I just don't want to go on without my sweet baby in my arms.
I have had to pray more fervently for peace lately. It is more difficult to wade through my pain and see others. I am trying to push passed myself and see others. I know there are so many hurting and I'm not alone...I need to reach out to others and not get distracted by my own broken heart.
Hopefully I can keep my basil plant alive...I couldn't bear to throw it away.
