I checked my email tonight and there was a precious surprise...a picture. In the picture a snow heart with a sweet letter "D" inside. A fellow angel baby mommy did this for us. I'm so sad at their own grief and broken hearts. There are so many of us that are longing for the day to be rejoined with our babies. I never thought I would be apart of this group of incredibly strong people, but I am grateful for their strength to validate my pain and know my path.The other night I was up late after my kids went to bed. Stupidly, I had recorded the movies, "My Girl," and "My Girl 2," on my DVR. I knew I was setting myself up but I watched anyway. The crazy thing was I didn't cry at all during the heart wrenching funeral scene. I sat there and was feeling odd because it did not make me burst into tears. I thought I had made it through and then the line that Veda tells her deceased best friend's mom, "Don't worry, my mother will take care of him."
I literally burst into tears. I sobbed. It hit me out of no where. I felt so ridiculous as I sat alone on my couch crying at the most strange comment. It somehow struck a cord. It lasted so briefly, someone watching would have thought I seriously was merely pretending. I went from 0 to 60 in .03 seconds and then screeched to a halt. So strange.
This morning Christian came into our room where I was still sleeping and asked me if I wanted to go do a time trial. I groggily agreed. We all got ready and then headed to the high school track. I ran a mile. The first two laps I took easier than I should have...then I picked up the pace for my third. Then my fourth came and I pushed as hard as I could. My last 200 meters I leaned forward and pumped my arms as fast I felt they could go. My body was screaming in pain. I just wanted it to end. As I reached the finish Christian stood there with a stopwatch and I burst into tears as I finished. It hurt so bad! I cried ridiculously as I tried to breath.
Speed work has helped my running, but it hurts more than I can express. I am trying to work on getting my mile down, but as I do I feel like I am going to explode into a thousand pieces. I feel like my running has been my connection to Declan. I started 6 weeks to the day of having him. I feel him with me when I am running. I get so emotional with every disappointment and victory. I wonder if I will always feel that way about running. I hope I am still running in ten years. I want to keep in shape and stay healthy.
My kids both ran at the track. My son, Bryce actually almost did an entire mile...just one lap short...which he would have done, but we needed to get home. He's only 5 and starting to show signs of loving running, just like his dad. Christian has loved running since he was young. Some of his fond memories are of running as a kid. While I was playing on my swing set and Barbies, Christian was running 5k's and 10k's. He has inspired me to run...and it looks like our children as well.
It has been a very good day. I hope to have more of these days. These are the days that help me get through the hard times that knock me down. The glimmer of hope that all is not lost and I will feel the sunshine again.
