I came home and started to feel the pressure start to build and I picked up the phone. As I waited for it to start ringing tears started to flood my eyes. Hearing my sister's voice on the other end made the flood burst from my eyes.
I couldn't help myself and sobbed on the phone.
As I sit here a few hours later I am so tired and ready for this day to end. What happened?! I have no idea. I'm not sure if it is because somewhere in my heart it knows. Tomorrow is coming...he would be 6 months. A half a year has passed...how is that possible? He is forever frozen in my mind as a newborn.
Last night I looked at the picture of my infant son and thought about how much Bryce and him look alike. My mind wandered back to when Bryce was 6 months and how chubby and cute he was. I was looking forward to seeing all of that again. Bryce was the cutest baby. Though he still is adorable in my eyes, he isn't tiny anymore. The chubby cheeks and hands are gone...he is a big boy. He doesn't need me to pick out his clothes or toddles behind me. He doesn't need me to rock him to sleep...though today in church he let me hold him. I snuggled close to his head for a while in Sacrament meeting. My kids seem to understand my need to cuddle...someone.
Somewhere in my mind I kept track of the days. They sneak up on me, but it's like my mind always knew.
I needed to talk to someone today. My sister was amazing. I pray often for help...and in those moments I struggle I have people come to mind that I need to contact...sometimes I don't. I think it is my Heavenly Father telling me they will mourn with me. They can cry with me. They can hug me. As if He is with me holding me and telling me that He understands my pain. And that He is sorry that I miss Declan. He needed him and I needed a beacon of light to guide me through this life...someone to look forward to...someone who would cheer us on...someone to inspire me to be better now, not later...someone like my infant boy.
Emmy fell asleep at the dinner table and is now safely curled up in my arms as I type. I am so grateful for my kids. I'm not sure what I would do if I didn't have them to love, cherish, and cuddle. My heart has a huge hole in it, but each child has made it better, more empathetic. I know that I have so much to look forward to. Watching my children grow into the people they are to become...I am happy to be apart of that. I try not to think about the little voice that tells me that I will not see Declan do those things with them. That voice tears me to shreds. I rather think about their little brother peeking in and enjoying those sweet moments...birthdays, holidays, weddings, missions...and cherishing his brother and sister his own way.
I am emotionally exhausted and hope tomorrow doesn't wipe me out for the rest of the week...but all of this is worth having Declan...even if it was only a brief moment and I have to wait for the rest.
