I know I shouldn't...it brings up all sorts of emotions that make me hurt...my heart literally aches some days. It isn't a figure of speech. Emotionally pain actually manifests itself physically I have come to find.
It is strange some days when I look at the sunny day and feel like a normal person. I feel good and I can't believe I am still that same person who could hardly walk after my c-section not 5 months ago. I look in the mirror and recognize myself, but see new things that weren't there before. My lines around my eyes and the way my eyes look tired...
Today as I sit and type this out I feel relatively good...but I'm surprised. When did having a good day take me by surprise? How did that happen?
I read about a woman who heard someone call out to their daughter in the store and it was her sweet baby's name she had lost. I am grateful Declan isn't a popular name. I will probably burst into tears on the spot if I ever meet a little boy named Declan. I'm sure it will happen one day...but I'm kind of dreading it.
It is strange to read someone's blog and even though you don't even know them their story invokes similar feelings you have.
It is awful and oddly nice to have people who understand. I would never want this for anyone...but those who walk similar paths make your road much lighter. I know I'm not the only one who five years from now will be sad when I'm not sending my boy to kindergarten. Also, I'm not the only one who in 18 years won't be going to a graduation and probably will cry all of the month of June thinking about it.
I'm feeling good today and I'm grateful. I have had a few bad days, I couldn't get off my couch...but today I am doing good and I'll take it and enjoy it.
