I stretched my tight muscles and slowly made my way to my room.
Through swollen eyes I searched for something to put on to run. Finally settling on the first pair of sweats and a hooded shirt I grabbed a pair of socks and went downstairs.
I ate a light breakfast and drank some water. Then I searched for my Mp3 player. Where did I put it? Oh yeah, Christian's office. I picked it up. Then my shoes were tied and I was literally heading out the door when I glanced at my sweet Emmy. Her mouth was coated with white. I looked at Christian and asked what she was eating.
"I don't know." He confessed.
He walked into the kitchen and said, "Oh, probably your gum."
I decided to check my gum. Nothing looked awry. My eyes scanned the kitchen and there it was on the counter. A pill bottle tipped over on the counter. I rushed it and saw there was only one pill in it. My heart thundered in my chest. How many?! How many?!
"She got into the medicine!" I hysterically called out.
"NO!" Christian's voice sounded strange with panic filling it.
I found two pills on the ground scooped them up. Three. How many before? My mind would not work properly.
"We need to take her to the hospital!" I called out as tears stung my eyes.
Christian scooped our frightened daughter in her arms. I watched as he hurried out with her with bare feet and only her pajamas on. I called to Bryce to put his shoes on. Luckily he was dressed. I picked up my phone and called my friend who I knew was waiting for me to run. I tried to calmly tell her where we were going...I'm sure I failed. As I hung up I said, "I'm sorry!" I'm not sure if I meant it to Jaime or Emmy.
We got into the car.
"How many?" I begged Christian to tell me.
"I think seven." He blurted.
My tears came uncontrolled and without thinking I cried out, "I can't lose another child!"
I glanced back at my beautiful daughter. Her curls were surrounding her worried face. I'm sure my mind was playing tricks with me, but she seemed more pale than usual
I uttered a pleading prayer. I begged for my daughter to be okay. My heart yearned to be on my run while my sweet daughter was safely having breakfast with her dad...instead on was on the way to the ER not knowing what would happen.
We swiftly got to the ER. I told Christian to hurry her in as I got Bryce out. Christian was inside before I clasped Bryce's hand and sped into the ER. A nurse was taking Emmy's vitals as I entered.
My tears had dried, but my heart was racing. Would she be okay? What happens now? My mind swam with thoughts.
We were taken back quickly and they had us wait in the hall momentarily for a nurse to direct us where we were to go. Christian anxiously held our daughter as we waited.
"Why can't they hurry?" We both wondered. Why does it seem everyone is in slow motion when something is important to you?
We got into a room and they hooked my sweet little girl to a heart monitor. I had to hold her hand so she would lay down. The nurse attached the wires to the little stickers that she had previous placed all over her chest.
Then I saw her beautiful heart beat on the machine. Without my consent my mind took me back to the last time I saw Declan's heartbeat. I wanted to scream. This wasn't happening!
After sometime they told us that watching her for several hours was the best route to take. But they would first do an EKG. I watched them attach wires all over her body. She had to hold still so I tried to chat with her to distract from the machine next to her.
Once everything settled down Christian started counting pills with a reasonable head. Only one! My heart slowed slightly. The white around her mouth showed that it had tasted terrible and she probably had tried to spit it out. We informed the doctor.
Christian took Bryce home to get snacks for the kids. While he was gone my mind kept having flashbacks. My ER visit exactly a year before in February. I had been at my sister's wedding. I had enjoyed the day and had been in heels all day. I had posed for pictures, chased Emmy around the room, and enjoyed delicious treats, even ran to get car decor in Walmart, and hunted down my sister's car at the hotel parking lot to decorate their car. The next day I knew it...I was pregnant. I had wondered for sometime. I took a pregnancy test that I had slyly acquired. There it was: Pregnant. My heart leapt with joy. I knew it! In the brief seconds I enjoyed this information I tried to think of a way of telling Christian while our families were all around. Not an hour later I started to know something wasn't quite right. After checking, I found out I was spotting. My heart sank. I'm losing the baby I just found out I was having. Tears stung my eyes as I quickly confided in my dear husband what was happening. It led us to an ER visit and telling family much earlier than I had thought. I hadn't wanted to rain on my sister's wedding. I wanted it to be about her and not tell anyone I was pregnant...that didn't work too well. I sat in the ER while they said I was too early to even ultrasound the baby. They said basically cross your fingers. I had spotted with Bryce so I thought, okay well it may work out after all...and it did...just not the way I thought.
Sitting with Emmy in the ER brought all that back. When we were finally released I was glad to be walking out with my healthy daughter. No one knows the relief I felt. No one knows how much Christian and I beat ourselves up for what happened. How much I wanted to explain to everyone in the ER...this never happens! We are so careful! I wanted to tell them, I promise I'm not neglectful! I felt they were thinking, "How could she let this happen to her little girl?" My heart wanted to exclaim, "Do you understand that I know how it feels to lose a child?! Do you know that I would do anything for my kids? Do you know that I am so careful with my kids? That I worry and fret over their safety? Do you know every time my kids and husband go somewhere without me I worry what if one of them doesn't return?"
I know it sounds like we really dropped the ball...and we did. But my heart is too fragile to take suggestions on how to keep our children safe. I know...just as I did when my little 10 month old pulled an iron on his head, that things happen even when you are careful. Every time I pull out that stupid iron that horrific day plays back to me. I think, "I have to put this up now!" I never leave my iron...ever. Even for one brief moment to grab a hanger. So trust me not necessary to tell us how to prevent this from happening again...we get it...better than most people that have never had this happen before.
After we got home exhaustion filled me and suddenly my breaths became fast and soon I was starting to hyperventilate. I couldn't stop it...I was having a panic attack. I sobbed in my hands bent over trying to stop myself, but I couldn't. Nothing could get my lungs to obey. Each breath felt like it would tear open my lungs. They burned and ached and screamed in pain...but it didn't matter I couldn't stop.
I lost it. What if she hadn't been alright? What if she had been hospitalized? What if...I can't even think it. My heart thudded so hard in my chest I thought at any moment it would explode. The moment passed and I pulled myself together...which I am sure because of divine intervention.
Even today, my heart still aches from my panic attack. I wanted to curl in a ball on the couch and not go anywhere last night or today. Instead my husband drove me to the temple where I felt peace and solace I desperately needed. Today I went to church, even though every piece of me wanted to stay in bed and never leave.
I was grateful to hear the beautiful lesson of my friend. She teaches so beautifully. I cried, which isn't a shock, but I always do when she teaches. She is dear to my heart since she knows of the hardships in my path very well.
Today I was grateful to see my daughter at church - to drop her off to her class and know she is okay. After we left the hospital Emmy told me, "I okay now." I hugged her tightly.
When I came out of the temple she came running for me and I gathered her up in my arms and for a brief moment I was in Heaven...my daughter running to me missing me from my absence. I kissed her on her check as her curls brushed against my face. I know my little Declan was watching out for his big sister yesterday.
