Now I find myself watching other people's children which is not really difficult now that I have my own...only when as I held my friend's son in one arm balancing him with my hip and grabbed something for another child did my heart ache for a moment. I pictured my chubby angelic little boy who should be blanced on my hip. The little sweetheart that is supposed to make my life so fantastically complicated.
Tonight as I watched my friend's son toddle around our house I commented to Christian how much I wanted another boy. I wanted Declan so bad. I knew he was a boy the moment I knew he was on his way. I wanted him so much. I would talk to him through my thoughts when pregnancy was unbearable. How much I desperately wanted to cuddle with that sweet boy each night.
Bryce was being hard to deal with while we were babysitting so I took the little boy we were watching and handed him to Christian so I could talk to Bryce. I turned my back and started to head for Bryce's room when I heard a screech coming from behind me. I turned back and my friend's son was holding his arms out to me. My heart warmed that he wanted me to hold him, then it broke thinking how much my kids cling to me when they are really little. All my kids love Christian, but they always want mommy. I scooped the little blonde boy in my arms and went to talk to Bryce.
During the talk the little boy sat calmly in my arms - which I was surprised since he had wanted to just get down and play all night. I sat on Bryce's bed and cradled the child in my arms as I talked to my son.
I sadly put my dog away thinking that our toddler guest would leave too many nibblets for her. Without my consent my mind flashed to my son who would be eating solids soon and be leaving food all over the floor. I told Christian I try so hard not to think these things...but it's involunetary.
The whole night I wasn't bawling or anything...but it did make me think. Remembering isn't always bad. Sometimes it's nice to keep his memory with me all day. Reminders hurt, but are sweet at the same time. I love my little "D" and try not to get too worked up when I get thinking about the, "he shoulds."
