My heart ached, but also enjoyed watching the tender moment between baby and mother.
My friend was due mere weeks after me. When she had her little son it was over a month after I lost Declan. I worried that it would be too painful to be around her infant son. But miraculously it isn't.
I find once in a while it tugs on my heart strings, but I recover fast.
Yesterday I watched her play with her little son. As she chatted with him he would giggle and smile. It was the cutest thing I've seen in a while. My heart ached around the edges, but it did not last very long.
The other day I was singing, "I am a child of God," to Emmy as she was going to sleep. My eyes wandered over to the closet where Declan's things are on the top shelf. My eyes welled with tears as I sang the words, "...has given me an earthly home, with parents kind and dear...." I then looked over Emmy's bed where I have a shadow box of Declan's things. I finished the song somehow and kissed my little girl. I told her how much I loved her and she always smiles and says, "Love you too!"
Some nights I cuddle with Declan's blanket and stare up at the ceiling. My mind starts to wander and I have vivid flashbacks of Declan's birth. Last night one of these flashbacks hit me hard. I was waiting for Christian to finish brushing his teeth and I was just looking up at the dust that has accumulated on my ceiling fan. I rubbed my hand over the extremely soft blanket of Declan's and suddenly my mind took me right back to that day.
I was laying in pain in my hospital bed. Christian was crying as he was trying to talk to his dad on the phone. I reached out for it and took the phone. Groggily and emotionally I told my in-laws how much Christian needed them. The world was swirling around my head and I knew that I had not yet felt the significance of that day.
I had almost forgotten that moment, but was back clear as day.
When Christian came to bed I hardly noticed. He knelt down next to the bed and started to chat with me. My mind would not release me. Finally I pushed passed the memory and I tried to focus on what he was saying. He asked me what I was thinking about. I reluctantly told him.
We talked about little Declan for a minute before saying our prayers. When the memories surface I have a difficult time shaking the feelings that accompany them. I pray that someday I can look back and not feel panicked thinking about Declan's birth.
Last night I told Christian that we know so many people who have had babies. It is such a fun and exciting time. I forget sometimes I am one of those people who just had a baby because it wasn't fun. We didn't get to celebrate his birth because it was so overshadowed by pain. But as hard as it was that was the day I knew without a shadow of a doubt that there is a God who loves me so much.
