Unexpected...

I was trying to find a lost DVD that we had rented from Redbox the other night.  I really did not want to pay for yet another day so I went into a cupboard where a lot of our papers get shoved inside.  I yanked out a stack of papers and on top was an ultrasound picture of Declan.  My heart stung around the edges seeing the little baby face.

Every once in a while something will just hit me out of the blue when I am not expecting it.  It almost knocks the wind out of me and I have to wait to catch my breath.

We decided to watch the movie.  Christian and I went to the loft and popped it into our DVD player.  Previously Christian warned me that it would be a hard movie to watch - it was about a little boy with cancer.  I assured him that I would be fine.  I was very wrong.

It was a touching movie about a little boy who struggled through cancer, but held firm to his belief in God.  It was a beautifully executed movie, but when the little boy died at the end I bawled.  I wasn't ready for that.  I knew it was coming, but it was difficult to watch.

I have been grateful that Declan never suffered - had he, I think that would have traumatized me all the more than I already have been.

I am still getting hospital bills from Declan's birth.  For some reason I can't look that them, but when I do I see it listed as a surgery and my heart hurts.  It brings back memories of that day and it is still hard for me to think about without the frightened feelings resurfacing.  It is weird to pay for a c-section when I see no baby in my arms each day.

At least once a day, Bryce will ask me why Declan died or why did I love Declan.  Most of the time I am prepared for him to ask it.  But once in a while he will ask it or bring it up when I am not expecting it.  I was at a friend's house yesterday and Bryce talked about Declan dying.  I was so surprised that he had brought it up in public all I could say was, "Yes, he did."  My heart stung for a good hour after, but I am glad that he feels comfortable talking about Declan.  I worried that he would bottle it up, but he actually listened to me when I told him that it always okay to talk or cry about Declan - because Daddy and I do.