Miraculously I am still standing after the storm - though I was tossed about and fell to my knees several times.
How do I survive?
My Savior and those he has placed in my path to reach out and keep me from getting lost in the storm. Christian is always there as my lighthouse, my beacon to hold sight of so I know I can hold steady. I know I would not be here today without him.
He brushes away my tears that will not be stopped. He soothes my aching heart and watches over me protecting me from the raging storm.
This last week I felt the storm coming. I was exhausted all week and I think I knew I was going to get slammed hard. Last night I lost it. I had the worst panic attack I have ever had. I could not stop my tears. Christian tried as hard as he could to soothe me, but the pain was so intense that nothing would touch it.
I sobbed on my bed clutching Declan's blanket knowing the only one at that point to soothe me would be to hold him in my arms. The storm battered me so hard that I was weather beaten after. My head felt like I had been hit by a truck. My lungs burned from my rapid breathing.
Sometimes I do wonder how I can get out of bed after such a difficult day. Why don't I just stay in bed and stare aimlessly at the ceiling? Maybe that would be easier than moving forward and trying to piece myself back together hoping that not too much of me has been pulverized by my tempest.
Tonight I sit here eating pumpkin bread holding the dear blanket my sweet Declan was wrapped in after he was born and I am grateful. Such a strange comment after what I just typed above. As I mentioned earlier I survive because of the people my Savior has placed in my path. Besides my sweet husband, I have made some incredible friends along my journey. They are priceless to me. Tonight I am grateful for them. The dear, tender women who have walked my path and for some reason we have congregated right here in the same place. Heavenly Father knew how much I would need them and planted me right here with them.
How lost I would be without those amazing women. I know I'm not crazy or weird because they assure me they have felt the same thing. Love is not rational and easy to quantify. When you suffer pain in the heart it is not easily soothed. The only "bandage" we can apply is the Atonement. But I do know that we are sent people to answer our cries for help. I have had several cries uttered since losing Declan. Each time I am sent aid, whether it is Christian, a friend, or a sweet loving spirit - hopefully sometimes Declan.
Tonight my friend came over and I briefly talked to her which really has helped place much needed balm to my tender heart. Thank you my sweet friend, I don't know what I would do without you!