My heart ached around the edges as I pictured him holding Declan. I tried so hard not to let those thoughts start to surface. I pushed hard against that door praying that they wouldn't win - but they did. The thoughts flooded through and soon I was drowning in them.
My niece is the only baby that was to be Declan's age. I try really hard not to think about how it's going to be to watch her go to kindergarten or graduate high school. I will be thinking, "Declan should be doing this too...." He was only four months or so younger than her. Out of all my sister-in-laws I have a child the same age as every single on of hers. We have always been pregnant together and raised our babies together. We would share the random things we did with each kid: nursing, solid foods, potty training, etc. Now I'm in this weird place because I don't have my beautiful son with me any more.
I try not to think these things. I talked to my friend once, who is another angel baby mommy, and she said that her kids always tell her not to go down that road, "_____ should be doing this." But as we said then, we can't help it. Those thoughts just sprout. I try not to let them take root. I yank them out as fast as I possibly can, but somehow another springs out in it's place. The only way to stop them is to remember that though I don't have Declan now, he is not lost to me. Then I think how loving my Heavenly Father is to allow us a way to see our sweet loved ones that proceed us into the next life.
I am feeling the hole in my heart throb pretty hard tonight. But I still feel hope for the future. It's a very odd feeling - my heart breaking and mending at the same time. I know I am not forgotten. My Savior and Heavenly Father love me and will not forsake me.
