Loving Boxes...

Tonight I had the pleasure of meeting the women responsible for the treasured box I received at the hospital.  It was an amazing night.  I had been worried and glad to share my story about Declan.  It is difficult for me to speak aloud.  I am much better at sitting at my computer and spouting off my thoughts than standing in front of a room full of people looking at me.  I especially have a difficult time expressing myself.  I forget what I wanted to say and it frustrates me sometimes when the things of my heart are not able to flow from my mouth as well as my fingers typing on a keyboard.  I love journal writing and I have several journals, one for each child and then one for me, but for some reason I type better than I write by hand.  That is why I blog more than most people would.  This essentially is my journal.  I keep the very personal and very sweet things to myself, but for the most part I write what I am thinking.  Wow, that was a long tangent.  Back to tonight, I was nervous to share my story about Declan.  It is still very fresh and difficult to share aloud.  But as any mother, I want to share the story of my baby especially since I don't get to show people my sweet boy I cherish in my broken heart.

As mothers we love to dote on our children.  That does not go away even when your baby isn't alive.  But I am better talking one on one than in a large group setting.  This is one of the many things I would like to work on this year.  I want to be a better public speaker.  I don't want fear to rule my life.  So I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone so much lately that I'm not sure where my comfort zone went.  I think it's some small bubble that was popped when I lost Declan.  Nothing feels the same, yet everything is the same.  I came home with a sweet box, but no baby.  My life day to day is the same, but I am a much different person.  The girl who went asleep thinking all would be well with her little one was forever changed when she awoke to chaos and a forever sleeping baby.  From that day forward I have been propelled into this foreign place, but met some incredible people along my journey.  It has only been three and half months, but I have met so many people I never would have any other way.  I would never wish for Declan not to be here - my heart would never allow that - but I am grateful for the path it placed me.  I love my life.  I don't think I ever appreciated it this way until my heart was ripped out of my chest.

How grateful I am that in her grief, Becky decided to make boxes that lead to me receiving one.  They are so beautiful and I felt so loved that someone took the time to make something to place the treasures that I have for Declan.  I don't have him so I cling to everything that is associated with him.

I am very blessed.