After our lesson I realized that I indeed had good news to share: I was able to come. My kids are sick and we took them just to Sacrament meeting and took them home before primary, so we didn't infect all the other kids at church. Christian had decided to stay with the kids and allowed me to go, which usually his church callings makes that hard.
So I went back after dropping off my family and went into the meeting. How grateful I was able to do so.
The lesson today was on trust, specifically trust in the Lord. It was prefect for me to hear. I have been getting better at not questioning the Lord every time something bad happens. But I do lack confidence that no matter what everything will all right - even if it isn't the way that I would prefer.
I read somewhere that fear and faith cannot reside in the same place. I have been very scared to think of having anymore children. It is something I desire very much, but at the same token, I am very terrified. The question that always plagues me is, "What if this happens again?"
I need to have the faith that even if it does happen again that it was Heavenly Father's will and there was a reason. It may not be apparent until I pass on to the next life why exactly I have been asked to bear this burden. But there are times I see possible reasons why. One of them I feel very dearly is that I was supposed to change. I had a brush with greatness so that I would not wait to better myself. Another, may perhaps because I needed to be taught how to love. I sometimes feel that my heart wasn't working to it's full capacity. Losing Declan has awakened parts of my heart that I never knew existed. I have noticed a change in the way I feel in general, but especially toward my family. I love Christian and my children so much more than I thought was possible.
Through this whole experience with Declan, I have always expected to be angry. I suppose that shows how little confidence I had in myself. But so far I haven't been mad. I feel that to be angry would push away my Savior and I cannot have that. Putting my trust in Him makes it possible to live each day. It sounds strange, especially in the world where we live that tells us that we can only rely on ourselves, but the more I trust the Lord the more secure I feel in my future. The less I try to control my life and say, "Thy will be done," the more I feel that my life makes more sense and has much more meaning than if I were to turn away from my Heavenly Father.
In the lesson, my friend shared a story that I had already heard (about a man that lost his wife and children to a car accident with a drunk driver). The miraculous story of this forgiving man that actually went to ask for the drunk driver to receive a lighter sentence always brought me to tears. But what I didn't know was that this amazing man had lost five children previous to this awful car accident. My mind and more importantly my heart cannot imagine this man's strength and character.
I have noticed a change in myself that I quite honestly am grateful for. I am a much better person than before Declan entered my life. I am stronger and am much more empathetic that I was. As much as I wish Declan were here and I could have learned these lessons some other way, I know deep down I maybe there was no other way to learn them. Declan needed a body and a family and I needed a life altering experience. The timing as strange as it sounds, couldn't have been better. I needed Declan as much as he needed to come and get a body. Heavenly Father knew that. He knew that my children are probably the only people, other than Christian, that could truly change me to my core. This is not temporary, but rather eternal.