As I pounded out my last few yards of my run today, I felt like the distance was growing with each step. My muscles ached and my mind kept shouting, "Stop, please just stop!" But I continued on and found myself in front of my home. As I caught my breath I hurried into my house. I barely got my running shoes off as my lungs tried to calm. Why am I putting myself through all this? To be healthy. I have an urgency to get healthy.
I know that it probably had nothing to do with me, but I can't help wanting to be in great shape before I try to get pregnant again. I'm terrified if I do without getting in shape I am going to be an emotional wreck.
Physical pain is difficult but it usually has a solution. If you have a broken leg, you get it set and casted while pain killers are usually prescribed.
A broken heart is so much different. There's no quick band aid that will expedite the healing. It is slow and agonizing some days. Although it is different than a broken leg, it is not constant. My heart is not always feeling the shattering effects of Declan's absence. Sometimes it even is a sweet feeling that accompanies the longing. But when the pain sears in my fractured heart it is so crippling I cannot even describe it.
Last night I felt like my heart was going to rip into two pieces. I had to watch a silly Christmas movie to get me thinking about something else. My mind kept plaguing me with images of my baby's grave covered in snow. For some reason that thought is disturbing to me. I think every mother's need to keep their infant warm and safe never goes away - even when your baby doesn't live.
I know that Declan's spirit is in Heaven and his body isn't in pain or distress, but that is still hard for my heart to comprehend. My job on the earth for the last five years is to protect and care for my children. I can't turn that off even if one of them isn't in our home.
Today was better than last night, but my heart is struggling right now. Christmas time has always been a pleasant and fun time for me. But this year it has been much harder to enjoy. I love thinking of Jesus's birth and telling my children about it, but getting excited about opening gifts and everything seems really overwhelming to me.
This afternoon I was cleaning my room and Emmy was puttering around getting into everything she could. She picked up one of Bryce's baby shoes that I had gotten out when I was pregnant and just haven't put it back. She smiled and showed me saying, "Deck-an's shoe!"
My heart stung and I smiled sadly and replied, "You're right Emmy, Declan was going to wear those."
The shoe is still sitting on the floor of my closet. I have a difficult time putting away. I am also having a difficult time boxing the things I had gotten out and bought for Declan. I didn't buy much since I had a lot of boy clothes and things, but I did buy onesies and crib bumpers which are sitting in Bryce's closet.
For my birthday I got some money to spend and instead of getting something for myself I thought I would get a new cover to my Boppy and a blanket for Declan. Now they are sitting in a closet and I try to avoid making eye contact with it every time I have to go retrieve something out of there.
Even though things are difficult right now, I do feel very blessed. Each day I spend a little time reflecting on all I have been given. I really have so much. This season is a perfect time to appreciate all we have because of our Heavenly Father and our Saviour.