Sometimes it makes me sad when I hear someone complain about pregnancy - not because I am angry at them, but rather that if they only knew how much they would regret it if something happened to that little one. I am a living example of that. I whined and complained my whole pregnancy with Declan. I look back and wished I had cherished those moments with him more since they were the only ones I spent with him.
I can't compare pain or what people go through, but it is difficult having a baby that never lives outside of you. You have one foot on one side and another on the other side. Your baby isn't considered a miscarriage but your baby never cried or breathed. You never got those precious moments most parents do bonding when they are born. So when you mourn you are grieving for a life you never got to have with your baby. Instead of living memories with your child, you only have memories of holding your forever sleeping child. My only pictures of my child living were ultrasounds.
I know pregnancy is difficult, it isn't for the wimpy. :) But I now have such a different perspective on it. I want to cherish each moment I have being pregnant next time - even the hard times. I know it isn't glamorous or even fun to throw up, but it is for the little miracle inside.
Each child born is such a blessing. I have watched several women have a baby since I had Declan. Whenever I hear someone went into labor I subconsciously hold my breath until I hear baby and mom are healthy. Then a stab of jealousy enters my heart for a brief moment - not because I would ever want this to happen to anyone else, but that they get to take their sweet baby home and cherish him or her while I have to beg my two year old to sit on my lap to give me someone to cuddle.
The feeling always goes away and I am so happy that it worked out for them. Then I feel like the worst person in the world because I am jealous of someone else's baby going home. I know I'm only human and that is a gut reaction, but I hate that. I don't ever want to feel that way. Just because it didn't work out for me this time I shouldn't be discouraged that it did for someone else. I just want my first reaction to be happiness not pain. I don't hold anything against the person, it's not their fault. My tragedy doesn't mean the world stops turning and no one else can experience happiness. In fact it is good for me to hear that it works out for those around me. I am heart broken every time I hear someone who has lost a baby or had a miscarriage.
Just the ramblings of a tired woman that needs to go to bed now. Until next time...sweet dreams to all of you.
