Today started out just fine. We went to a breakfast with Santa at our church. But then we decided to go to pick out a Christmas tree and decorations for Declan's grave.Suddenly I felt the wave of grief wash over me. I stood staring at the many ornaments for little trees and I felt so overwhelmed. On the way home from the store I broke down and sobbed all the way.
Christmas is such a special time and it is so difficult not spending it with our sweet baby boy. When I got home from our shopping trip I laid on the couch and snuggled under my blanket (that I have loved since a child - yeah I know that's sad to still have it and use it) and watched "Miracle on 34th Street" (the original version). I curled up in a ball and hugged my blanket wishing so bad that Declan was in my arms.
I fell asleep as Christian took the kids to a Christmas block party. I haven't had a bad day like that for sometime. I don't mind crying, I just hate the lonely feeling that makes my arms ache for Declan.
My two year old Emmy is such a sweety. I told her how much I loved her and that she has helped me so much since losing Declan. She smiled at me and wrapped her tiny arms around my neck sweetly replying, "I love you so much."
Whenever I have a bad day Emmy comes up to me and tells me I'm a sweetheart and hugs me. She always knows what to say to help me out. I really don't know what I would do without her.
Bryce is usually helpful. But he has been quite a challenging child. I love him to pieces, but sometimes I think I might pull my hair out before he is an adult. However today as I sobbed in the car he asked why I was sad. Christian told him that I missed Declan.
Bryce asks a lot of questions as his way of dealing with losing Declan. Most of the time it is just fine to answer them, but every once in a while it makes me burst into tears to have to tell him why his brother is dead.
As Christmas nears I have noticed that I have been more sad. I am missing Declan so much lately that I feel my heart might just crumble into dust. I am praying that I can enjoy the day and make it special for my other two children.