Beating Heart...

Two nights ago I could not sleep and I tried to fall asleep to the TV.  I was unsuccessful.  So I trudged to my room and laid in bed.  As I stared up at the dark ceiling I heard the rhythmic breathing of Christian next to me.  I turned on my side and placed my fingertips over his heart and felt the beating pulse.  At that moment I was so grateful for Christian's literal heart - his life source.

After watching Declan's heart race and then hold him with his heart stopped, I have become very aware of the frailness of life.  In one quick snap of the fingers everything could be gone.

As I fell asleep to feeling Christian's beating heart, I was so grateful that Heavenly Father gave him to me.  That both our families resided in the same place for a brief moment so we could meet.  That Christian somehow fell in love with an awkward and silly girl.  That we have spent 8 incredible years together.

I love Christian more than I ever thought I could love anyone.  He's been my best friend and confident for so many years, even before we started dating.  I have never been able to talk to anyone the way I can him.  I crave his company when he is away.

I completely took for granted that each day I had Christian in my life.  That my two beautiful children came to this earth without any problems.  That I was able to have a family that I can share this journey.  That each life we come in contact with is a blessing and living is a miracle.  How many times a baby is created and enters this world perfectly is amazing.  It is an incredible process that I completely did not acknowledge.

When I was about ten years old, my mom had my youngest sister.  She was born much too early and her lungs were not ready.  A quick thinking doctor that actually just happened by helped get my sister breathing.  She ended up being flown to another hospital in a chopper and stayed there until she was well enough to come home.  At the time I was thrilled to know that she was okay.  I remember crying in my room when I heard that she was struggling.  I plead with my Heavenly Father to spare her.  But I did not fully understand what a miracle that was until I lost Declan.  My sister was supposed to be here and Declan was not.  I was talking to my older sister about this and we reflected how different our family would be without our youngest sister.  I thought for a brief moment how much we would have missed out on not knowing Kaeley.

I think sometimes about what my kids are going to miss out on without Declan.  I have to remind myself that it is only postponed.  They will someday have an opportunity to get to know their sweet little brother.  My kids have to wait, but I didn't have to with my sister Kaeley and I am very grateful for that!

This beautiful season has made me reflect greatly on the wonderful gift of life.  How I hope that I never waste this precious gift as I had before I lost my sweet Declan.