Together...

I think one of the hardest things about our situation is Christian's work. After we lost Declan I wanted Christian to take a week off the following week, but he couldn't. We had no time off and would not be paid for those days if he did not work. It was so hard to have him go off to work. Making money seemed so unimportant to me, but unfortunately it is necessary.

I didn't want to think about trivial things, especially money, at such a trying time. I wanted to be able to just be a family and hunker down in our home and not worry about anything. But as always, life goes on, and I had to let go of the time Christian and I had together.

In the hospital it was extremely hard, but also I've never felt closer to Christian. We were hardly separated, only about two hours, the entire time I was there. I opted to go home early from the hospital and even though I had a c-section I stayed in the hospital the same amount I did with my other two. As we left the hospital I was so grateful to be going home. But as we got home I realized that the bubble was gone.

No more long talks just Christian and I. We could not curl up in my hospital bed and just cuddle for hours. The peace and quiet would be dashed by craziness of kids running around the house.

I have to admit it was really challenging for me. I had ssecurity in the hospital with Christian. We had only one thing to do - grieve. For a small moment we could put away our worldly cares and just focus on the loss of our baby son. I knew we couldn't stay in that little grief bubble forever, but I think fondly on that time that we had. It sounds strange, but Christian and I haven't had much time together with his work and church callings. I felt like we were allowed to have a much needed reconnection. I know that was essential to moving forward and be able to start life again. Though I've drug my feet to begin life I know I need to and deep down I want to. I can't stay still or the world will pass me by. But when I get really lonely I long for those days in the hospital when Christian and I had only each other and no other distractions.