After the initial shock of what happened subsided my first concern was that I wanted to make sure that Declan's death did not snap Christian and my relationship. I have heard of too many bereaved parents turning away from each other. My natural and selfish tendencies worried me. In times of grief I usually pull inwardly and push away those around me.
I feel like I have a grenade in my palm and that it should explode at any minute. Where is the anger? Shouldn't I be feeling injustice? But instead I have peace and comfort knowing my sweet angel is in good hands.
Christian and my relationship is by no means perfect, but I am grateful that we have become closer through all this. I never knew how much I could love someone until I saw Christian crying as he held Declan after I woke from my c-section. As the tears streamed down his face I knew I would never love anyone as much I loved him right at that moment.
I know that I would never have survived without his love. Christian has always been a good example of selfless love, but especially since Declan. He has shown me the path that I want to travel - the path to our Savior. He has lovingly taken me by the hand and helped me along the rough patches showing me that I can not only get through, but grow and become better. He has shown me that no matter the challenge, that Heavenly Father meant for us to succeed and will help us if we just ask - if we feel alone it is our choice. I have gone that lonely road too many times and found that it is most discouraging. Now I realize it is much harder trying to rely on myself than it is to put my trust in the Lord.
I hope each day that passes that the storm I had anticipated will never come. Though I feel longing and miss my sweet little boy, I know that I will see him again and there is no need to be bitter. Also I hope that I will remember the love that is always there for me and return it.
I am so grateful for a husband who has always looked at me like I was an amazing person that I hoped to be one day.