Last night I popped popcorn and watch It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! with my kids. Then I vacuumed up their popcorn mess, got them ready for bed and read them a story. After the kids were in bed I went and sat on my couch and thought about how little my life's schedule has changed. I feel changed, but my day to day activities - completely the same. I have three children, but I only tuck two in bed at night.
I had planned for chaos and sleepless nights. I had actually worried about being able to have three and juggle time with all of them. I was in my own way ready for all of it. I had a huge lead up to the fantastic craziness that is a newborn and then I came home with empty arms.
I remember after I hugged my sweet nurse in the hospital I got into the wheel chair and was wheeled down to the car. On my way I thought of the two other times I had left the hospital, the excitement that had bubbled in my heart as I watched Christian carry our infants in their car seats. But this time I was empty handed. My car seat was home, void of a tiny baby - stashed away with all the other things Declan would never use.
As I sat last night, my house was peaceful and it actually hurt. Who knew that quiet and easiness would be so hard? I crave the craziness. I go to bed and wake up the next morning with no interruptions. How I never knew that I would actually miss being woken in the night. Those precious moments late in the night I would nurse my babies, cuddle them, and watch them sleep. I remember how much I enjoyed the time I spent alone with each baby as Christian slept.
Though in my heart nothing feels the same as it did before, my life has continued just as it had. In many ways I dislike that it has picked up where I had left it before everything happened. I don't know what I had expected, but it just feels so anticlimactic to go through a long and difficult pregnancy and land right back where I had started before I got pregnant - two car seats in my car, two little ones to chat with at dinner, and two faces to kiss goodnight.The only difference to my usual routine is that my heart has expanded to make room for Declan which has spilled over into all the other places in my heart - allowing me to love much more deeply than before.