A couple of days ago I started having a hard time sleeping. I lay down to sleep and my mind starts going over all that occurred with Declan.
I then feel exceptionally lonely. All I want at that point is hold him and wish that this was all just a bad dream. So I have to curl up with his blanket and hope that this tidal wave of grief passes without doing too much damage.
During the day I am completely fine for the most part. Every once in a while I get really anxious. But my kids keep me busy and my mind is too distracted to think about the trauma I have been through.
Once the sun goes down and my children are in bed, then I feel the loneliness creep up on me. I usually can read to fall asleep, but the last two or three days it has been impossible to sleep. My mind haunts me with all the frightening details of what happened: being wheeled frantically to the OR, coming out of my anesthesia in pain, find out that Declan was gone, and so on.
I know that this isn't going to be easy and that it will take time before all of this is sorted out in my mind. But my heart is struggling as each grief-bout pounds against it.
I try not to get discouraged, but every once in a while I can't help feeling that I'm going to continue to be knocked down by my grief. In those moments I pray for comfort and guidance - which I am swiftly granted. I am very grateful for my Heavenly Father who sends aid each time I ask for it. Though it is not completely removed from me I am given help to endure the terrible storm.
