In memory of Declan...

    

I was so grateful for having pictures of Declan taken.  I have since framed many of them and put them up all over the house.  It might be strange to some, that it might make me more sad, but it makes me feel like it really happened.  Sometimes I feel that it was just a dream.  Being unconscious when my baby arrived into this earth was a blessing in retrospect, but somehow I have felt disconnected to the event.  I went to sleep pregnant and woke empty.

Having pictures around makes me feel that it did truly happen and that oddly comforts me.  I love to think of Declan.  Thoughts of him bring me peace and I know that he loved us and wanted to apart of our family.

I also like having pictures up for my kids.  I want them to feel that he did exist and that it is okay to talk about him.  Since they are so young I want them growing up remembering their sweet little baby brother.

When we got home from the hospital and we were putting the kids to bed I took two of Declan's blankets that Bryce and Emmy had helped me pick out and gave them to each of them.  I told them that Declan wanted them to have his blankets.  They have almost every night slept with these blankets - even Bryce who has never been one to be attached to any inanimate object.

I got an idea from a friend to give Declan a stuffed animal and then have each of my kids receive the same one.  We bought little polar bears for all our kids (even extra for future children).  When we were at the viewing Emmy kept giving and taking his bear to him.  Finally she and Bryce placed it inside before we sealed his tiny casket.  Emmy waved and said sweetly, "Bye baby," as the casket was sealed.  That tore my heart in two.  Emmy would have to wait to feel like a big sister - even though she already is.

I had bought a pack of onesies for Declan to take him home in.  We buried him in one and then I shadow boxed another.  I also included the only binky that I purchased along with the same socks and hat that he wears now.  As I put the shadow box up in my kids room they now share, but was supposed to be Bryce and Declan's, I wondered if Declan would have loved to have a binky.  Bryce had been super attached to his as a baby, but Emmy wanted nothing to do with one.  I couldn't help wondering if he would have been more like Bryce or Emmy in that regard.



Everything we put with Declan



In the hospital we were given a small bear that Declan's baby arm was wrapped around the entire time we had him in our room.  I gave that bear to Emmy since she loves stuffed animals.  When she saw a picture with Declan holding that bear, for the first time, she angrily yelled, "My bear!"  I thought it was interesting even though they will never play together in this life, Emmy got to feel sibling jealousy, for a brief moment, about a toy with her little brother.  I place that bear next to the photo of Declan in their room.  I wondered if they would disturb the easily reachable framed picture of their brother, but so far it has never moved.  So his little picture is on top of their toy shelf and watches over them as they play where Declan would have when he got older.

I have tried to put out little reminders of Declan all over the house.  I even wear one all the time.  I engraved bracelets for Christian and I that we both wear with all our children's names on them.  We had engraved one for Declan that we put on him and hope to one day engrave one for each of my children that say Declan.

I cherish the memories of Declan - even if most of them were when I carried him inside me.