When I first got married to Christian I felt on top of the world. Like most newbie married couples, I was practically giddy each day. It was some of the best times I have ever had. Then somewhere down the road of wedded bliss I got smacked in the face with life. Instead of rising to the challenge I let it knock me down. I stayed there far too long.Having Declan and losing him has been a rude awaking. Where was I headed? What did I want out of life? Was I going to let life beat me to death and that was it? I didn't have any answers for those questions until now.
Tonight I put on my headphones after placing my kids in bed and danced around the house like I used to do. I forgot how much I truly loved dancing. As a kid all I lived for was dancing. When I was dating Christian we bonded and fell in love at dances. I miss going out and dancing with him.
I remember when Christian and I were in college he taught me swing moves on the lawn in front of his apartment. I was completely enamoured with him while he flipped me around, I'm surprised I didn't fall and break my head.
Something that I have learned along these last eternal 7 weeks is that I actually missed and liked most of who I once was. Of course I needed some sculpting and will continue to need that throughout my life, but I used to love life and the sky was the limit.
I have been afraid to dream and reach for the stars because I couldn't handle failing. Now that I have lost Declan, I realized I don't have time to be scared anymore. I wasted so much time. I have a renewed sense of how good life truly can be - if I want it. Even though crappy things happen, that doesn't mean life has nothing glorious to offer.
I have anxiety most of my life, but only have recently realized it. As a kid I thought I was just weird. Everyone told me I was shy, but I now realize the heart attack I felt I was having was totally not normal. When I became a young adult I would workout and dance to get rid of the yucky, jittery feelings that crippled me. But when I became a mom for some reason I became a lump. I stopped caring about myself. I don't know why. Maybe I was so preoccupied with the enormous job that was handed to me and I didn't feel I was, quite honestly, good at or maybe I just stopped thinking I was worth fussing over.
I had glimpses of myself the last five years, but then I would fade into the background of the lame girl I had become.
I am happy to say that she is back! Well okay, I hope she is back (and only the good parts). I am just sad that it took losing Declan to bring her back.
I have made a goal to run a half marathon, that I also begged my sisters to do with me, and now that I have announced it I have to do it! :) I have always wanted to do it and I am going to dedicate that run to Declan, for inspiring me to continue to dream. So my three sisters and I will run our first race together. I couldn't ask for three better girls to do the most physically challenging thing I have ever roped myself into.
I have always been grateful to have my sisters, but now I especially feel a bond to them. I know they have had challenges in their lives that have been difficult and they teach me daily how to better myself. All these years, moves, and craziness they are still my best friends, well okay except Christian (my ultimate best friend).
I still enjoy chatting with entrusted people to help me cope with my loss. But I have really enjoyed working out to get out a lot of my anxiety over Declan. Christian has always been fit and worked out to blow off steam, but I would sit and eat. 
Now, I am inspired by his abilty to run and now he's going to be the one on the sideline cheering for me.