This last weekend our family was traveling. Christian had planned on running a marathon and before Declan was born I had been unsure if I wanted to take a newborn all the way to a race. As I stood there in the windy weather waiting for Christian to reach the finish line, I thought about Declan being there and how much I would have hated having him in that nasty weather.We stayed in a hotel on Thursday night and it was the same one I had stayed when I was pregnant with Declan. I curled up and watched a show with little Emma and my heart ached for Declan. I was so grateful to have Emmy in my arms, but there was a piece of me that wished Declan was there too. My heart ached as I enjoyed the closeness of Emmy.
While we were gone we went to church. I had been running late so I drove Emmy there alone. We sat in the back alone since the rest of the family had seated themselves up close to the pulpit. As we sat and listened, Emma laid her head on me and quietly enjoyed the songs and the first talk. I picked her up and cuddled her in my arms. She laid her head on me and I leaned my head on her soft curls. She let me hold her for quiet a while, which is unusual for my active little two year old. As I inhaled her sweet smell wafting from her beautiful hair, I thought of Declan. I wondered if I would have dared to bring him to church yet (because of germs). I wondered what it would feel like to have him in my arms while Emmy sat next to me. I wondered if he would have been a restless baby or completely content cradled in my arms.
It was a good trip, even great for the most part, but my heart kept feeling the gaping hole in our family. I kept thinking that this trip should be harder, even cancelled, due to a newborn. But instead we went and it wasn't difficult at all.
The strange thing is that no one knows when I walk in the store that I have three children. I just look like a woman with only two kids. Even though when asked I say, "I have three children." I know people glance at the two I have and probably think Bryce isn't my oldest and the other is in school or perhaps I have merely left one at home with his dad. Little do most people I encounter each day know that my child isn't ever with us (physically) and I can't just go home and see him.
I have realized how much we probably cross paths with so many people who are struggling with loss or pain of some kind and they are thinking, "No one knows what I am going through." It makes me want to be kinder to those around me. Whenever I get a cross word or a grumpy cashier I want to burst into tears and tell them, "I just lost my son!" But I don't, I just leave the store feeling my heart stabbing with pain. The sting is so much worse no having lost Declan, than it ever was before. I have made a mental note to be sweeter to strangers from now on.
Every once in a while I blurted out to the kids, "I just had a baby." when they accidentally kick me in my stomach and my scar where my incision was throbs with pain. Though my head knows that I just delivered a baby, my heart is searching for the sweet baby that is no longer with me.
I have realized how much we probably cross paths with so many people who are struggling with loss or pain of some kind and they are thinking, "No one knows what I am going through." It makes me want to be kinder to those around me. Whenever I get a cross word or a grumpy cashier I want to burst into tears and tell them, "I just lost my son!" But I don't, I just leave the store feeling my heart stabbing with pain. The sting is so much worse no having lost Declan, than it ever was before. I have made a mental note to be sweeter to strangers from now on.
Every once in a while I blurted out to the kids, "I just had a baby." when they accidentally kick me in my stomach and my scar where my incision was throbs with pain. Though my head knows that I just delivered a baby, my heart is searching for the sweet baby that is no longer with me.