I was talking to a friend, who has also lost her sweet baby girl, and she asked me if Tuesdays are hard for me because that was the day I lost Declan. I told her that they don't usually bother me. But I have noticed that I usually blog on Tuesdays. I think subconsciously I know that another week has passed and I need to express my feelings.I was with my in laws this last weekend and my mother in law was asking how I was doing. She pointed out that it hasn't been very long. I thought about that for a little while. No I suppose 8 weeks isn't very long. Has it really only been 8 weeks? It feels so much longer than that. I feel like I've lived a lifetime since then.
Everything about me has changed I feel. My eating habits, my exercise habits, and even my sleeping habits. I never have had trouble sleeping - except when I'm pregnant. But now I find myself up at two in the morning occasionally. Sometimes I'm not even upset or consciously thinking about Declan, I just can't unwind.
I have found though, in these quiet moments that I feel the most comfort and the most pain. I don't have the daily distractions to keep my mind occupied. I am then left to let my mind wander where it may. Sometimes I think about what Declan would be doing, other times I just try to soothe my troubled heart by petitioning my Heavenly Father.
I think everything that has happened is finally sinking into me. My brain feels so overloaded sometimes that I have to slow down the information bombarding me constantly. I try to organize it and allow the flow to where I can handle it. Sometimes that means shutting it off for a while. But once I open my mind up again I have to be careful not to let myself drowned. I think we can only process so much at a time. That is why grief is a long process.
I am grateful that the moments it becomes too overwhelming and I feel myself slip below the surface of my grief there is always a tender hand waiting to pull me back up. I would be lost without my Savior, probably curled up in a corner somewhere trying to shut out the world and my pain.
I think I reached the point in my life I can no longer try it on my own. I am sure I received help before even if I did not ask. But I know now I have to be saved from my grief by my Savior - there is no other way. I cannot do this alone. I realized that the day after Declan died. Grief and separation would be impossible for me to overcome without my Savior and Heavenly Father's love and mercy. I truly believe that we are given so much mercy though we suffer. Through our suffering we find our Heavenly Father who will never forsake us - for he truly is just that, a Father in Heaven that loves each of us so dearly.