Sometimes I get overwhelmed with the thought that I was so close to seeing Declan alive. Just moments separated us for a lifetime. I am grateful though that since I was unconscious that he did not live for a minute or two and then slip away. I would have missed his whole life if he had. He only resided on this earth safely wrapped up inside me.
I have to remind myself that Heavenly Father never intended Declan to live on earth. His spirit was meant to return, as his little body was born. My heart doesn't like the separation. though, and feels robbed of the chance of hearing his baby cries.
As I looked that pictures of the little Angel babies of my friends my heart ached for them as well. I know of their longing to love their babies the way mothers all want to love their children. It is so difficult to love someone you can't see each day and enjoy their presence.
I sometimes think my relationship with Declan has not changed at all - except his mortal body does not exist inside me anymore. When I was pregnant I felt him so close. I felt his excitement to be apart of our family. I have always felt connected to my children before they were born. I have had small glimpses of their personalities even before they were saw them. I often felt their births were reunions rather than an introduction. So now as I feel Declan close it is not much different then before - minus the excited kicking and movements.
I suppose that will be enough as I move through my mortal existence. I will feel his comforting and sweet spirit that I have come to crave as I grieve for him.
I returned to the hospital where he was born today. I intended on going to visit the staff someday soon, but this trip wasn't to visit anyone. It was to get necklaces for my friends. I had a dear, sweet nurse in my c-section that brought me a similar necklace the day after we lost Declan. I loved the necklace so much and my two sweet friends have done so much for me that I felt they should have one too. I will never be able to tell the hospital staff what an amazing job they did. They really went above and beyond their jobs and reached out to Christian and I. All of my nurses were so sweet to me and I know it is challenging to know what to say to someone who lost such a precious part of their life.
I have had so many sweet people to be there for me through this hard time. Sometimes I wish I was just home with Declan no one had to be there for me. But as my friend said tonight, "I wouldn't be the person I am," and feel the same about Declan's passing.
I heard so many times in church that we are all like rough stones that are put in a tumbler where trials knock pieces off us. Eventually we become smooth and precious from all that we endure. I think until now I have had little tiny pieces worn off, but was extremely rough and unpolished. Lately I have felt my tumbler is wearing off a little too much too fast. My heart is very sore from all the tumbling. I just hope that I am actually refining and not just adding more rough spots on myself. I want to endure well and let my faith carrying me through. That, I have learned, is much more difficult in practice than in theory.