I have been waiting...for anger
for a breakdown
for something
but so far all I have felt is longing.
I hope that no bitterness or frustration enters. I feel that would taint the spirit that Declan has left in our hearts and home. But I keep thinking any day now the walls will start to crumble and I will be standing in ruins furious about what happened.
I thought after the funeral when I no longer had something to keep me busy I would crash and burn. The week before the funeral I longed to see Declan again and worried once that was over I would be wreck. But when we said goodbye to his sweet little body I knew that my baby boy was no longer in that little body and I would be taking him with me. I felt peace and knew that he would be able to be with us at least in spirit.
I had always looked at people that lost children with awe. It seemed like a daunting trial that I was sure I would never have to experience or be able to for that matter.
My grandparents lost their third child and at the same age I am they buried him and said goodbye. I always wondered how they did that and at such a young age. Here I am almost a week from burying my third baby and I realize that they didn't do it alone.
I would never be able to do this without help. We have had so much support from friends and family. And though I am so grateful for that, it will not sustain us the long years of longing for our baby son. Life goes on and the flowers and cards will stop - as they should. I can't stay here in my own bubble and never move forward. So the only way that I can see to endure to the end is relying on the Atonement and Christian.
I had always known that the Atonement was more than just for sin. It is for all pain. But I don't think I ever really let that become apart of my life - until now. I know that I will fall to pieces, if I let myself, and never recover - if I don't let Jesus Christ lift this pain from me. I don't want to look back on my life and think, "I could've handled that better."