Christian and I have had a lot of time to talk together lately. Ironically we have had little time together until Declan. I have felt so much closer to Christian since the loss of our sweet baby. I always thought we were close, but it was nothing to how it is now.
While I was in the hospital feeling broken from my c-section and the emotional blow, Christian curled up in my hospital bed with me. We snuggled under Declan's blankets and cried together. I have never felt so broken hearted and loved at the same moment.
We have both felt that we have been extremely blessed throughout this ordeal. I feel peace almost all the time. I still sink down into a heart-wrenching ache ever so often. But if I had ever doubted there was a Heaven and a Father there that loved us it was dispelled quickly in the last 13 days. There is no way I could conjure this peaceful feeling myself. The natural me would curl up in bed and never leave.
In the hospital I had a moment of weakness and broke down wondering if I would truly see my baby again. I asked Christian if he believed that this wasn't the end. He confidently told me did. After that I was laying in bed as a nurse was helping to see if all was well with and I was in quite a bit of pain. I started to sob and in my heart I prayed more fervently than I ever had that I needed help and never could do this alone. I would have to carted out with Declan if I could not find some peace. I have never felt so alone and vulnerable - broken in every way a person could be.
Then I felt it...peace. I have felt it ever since. There are moments I mourn the length of time that separates Declan from us, but I feel peace that he lives though he can't be with us.
I know this is all possible because of a loving Heavenly Father. Though we struggle on this earth with things that are far from easy, he loves us through them. I also know that Jesus Christ did live and he died so that we all - including Declan - could live again.