It has been many months since I last posted. The time of year when I reflect the most on Declan is approaching. I can't help, but think of those days before he died. Five years ago I was still pregnant with him, unaware I would never bring that baby home.
Tonight as I cuddled with Declan's little brother, I softly rubbed his baby feet. He squirmed a little as I did and I had to stop so I wouldn't wake him.
I remember holding Declan's feet in my hand as I held him. His feet were so soft and I just rubbed my fingers over them, memorizing them. Every once in a while those feet come to mind. It is the part of him I remember the most. Ironically it is the part that was most like Christian. Out of 4 children, Declan is the only one that ended up with his feet.
Five days and he should be turning 5 years old. The time that has passed makes me crazy and stunned. I don't feel 5 years has passed. Many ways I feel I am stuck back there in the hospital room...begging that the reality I was facing was a dream. I would wake and my baby would be there curled up in his dad's arms sleeping.
Having another baby has helped heal me and those around me that were affected by Declan's death. He has soothed an aching mom's heart. But he cannot completely protect me from the pain I feel every year.
September rolls around and it feels as though my mind returns to 2010. The days leading up to Declan's birth/death I picture my pregnant self. A two year old and a five year old with a baby on the way. I was just trying to get through the pregnancy. It had been rough. I just wanted it to be done. And then it was. Declan was snatched away too soon.
His due date wasn't supposed to be until Halloween. But he came a month early. I felt strange coming home from the hospital. No baby...not inside me or in my arms. I felt hallow.
When Ollie came I could not believe how amazing it was to actually leave with a baby. It meant everything to me. Every milestone of Ollie comes with healing and also stabbing pain. I can't help but realize all I missed out on when Declan didn't come home. I loved every minute, but a lot of the time those moments hurt...worse than I thought they would.
My oldest did not speak of Declan much in the last few years. Now he has started to open up and express how much he missed him and how hard it was to lose him.
Grief is a weird situation. I never knew how complicated it is. The stages of grief are spoke about so clinically...as though there is a final event. The grief of a loved one goes on your whole life. There are new things to grieve all the time. It isn't as though life doesn't go on, but life is never the same as it would have been had they been there. So even if you have accepted that someone isn't here...that doesn't mean your grief is evaporated. I know and accept that God needed Declan home before he needed me. But that doesn't mean I don't miss him every single day.
After almost 5 years missing someone it is not anymore clear how I am going to do this the rest of my life. I only know that I have a loving Heavenly Father and Savior that will help me walk when those moments overwhelm me and I feel missing him is too much.
I am grateful for this time of year even though it hurts. I get to think about the life of someone I loved so dearly even though I never held him living. That little baby gave me the strength to live a very different life than I was planning. I did things I never would have. I was able to reach out to people I never would have. I would not have been touched by people's empathy and compassion without him. There is no limit to the impact he had on me. I find each day something new I learned or did because of him.
I feel I have lived a lifetime since he left me here. I know I will constantly feel this as the years go by. It isn't easy. It isn't even fun sometimes. But I know things will continue and I will be asked to do hard things my whole life.
I read a quote from Helen Keller lately, "Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience
of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired,
and success achieved."
I know this to be true every day since Declan died. I haven't always seen the progress I've made. I even have felt I have taken steps backward...but each day I have tried...and I never gave up...even though it was screaming in my head to.
Life isn't easy. I never thought it was. But lately I realized how very hard it is. We all hurt. We all have things given to us to be burdened by that seem so very daunting. We continue. We have faith. And when we don't...hopefully someone reaches out a hand to help us.
