Dreams...

I am not sure what I thought about love when I was a kid.  I probably did have some silly notion it was "happily ever after."  I had no idea how much work it require...though I should have already known.

Family is a fantastic organization.  It also is a lot of work.  As a kid I struggled with my parents...like every other unoriginal teenager.  It took so much out of me emotionally sometimes I felt like just shutting down.

As an adult I have thought a lot about it.  Everything in life is work.  There is nothing that comes easy...at least not for me.  Sometimes it feels as though everything is in place and life is amazing.  Other times it feels like I landed on an alien planet and I am at a loss how to continue doing what I'm doing.

I married my best friend.  I had known him longer than most.  I had a good background into his behavior and what I thought were cute quirks.  At first when we got married...so easy.  I loved being married.  It was truly amazing.

Then somehow bills, school, work, and then suddenly kids were swirling around me.

Was this really what I signed up for?!

Going from mom to wife was a tough job.  I was very inept in deciding when to be a wife and when to be a mom.

After four kids, a loss of a child, a loss of a job, and living with family so many times it is unbelievable...I have felt myself disappear...replaced by this stranger I don't know.

The word love was last on my list.  Survival was all I had to offer.  Not to sound cheesy, but I am a survivor.  But that is all I am.  I have squeaked through so many tough times that I almost didn't make it more than once.

The word love means so much more than rose petals, nice gourmet dinners, and swanky hotels...at least to me.

Christian has stuck it out with me.  I have stuck it out with him.  It might not sound romantic, but it is.  At anytime the last four years either one of us could have run away...believe me the thought did cross both our minds...even if we wouldn't actually follow through.  But here we are and we stuck it out...even through the bad, ugly, and awful.

I love Christian more for the fact that he never gave up on me than any lovely gift or date he dreamed up.

Don't get me wrong I am a sucker for roses and holding hands as we go on a date.  I love romantic movies.  I read sappy lovey books.  I even write them...even though I tried very hard not to.

Christian has always melted my heart.  Even when I am just down right beastly angry at him...those eyes...dang it!  He makes my heart flutter even after all the crap has rained down on us.

But I have learned more about what love really means in the last four years with Christian than I have the last 18 years I have known him...and (let's face it) crushed on him.

The mother and wife I have become is much different than the idealistic person I had dreamed in my head long ago.

But as much as we warn others that life is hard and love means more than a white dress and beautiful flowers...we never get it.  No one wants to hear it.  And quite frankly it doesn't make a difference.  You can be told that when someone punches you in the stomach it hurts.  Does it make the pain less when it actually happens...no.  So I don't mean to be a dream crusher here!  Keep dreaming!

I used to cringe at the thought of everything I have become.  It is strange to tick off all the worries I used to have...I am all those things.  I have to say I shouldn't have wasted my time.

It was okay to dream and want to be a certain person.  And it is okay that I am not the person I dreamed I would be.  It is okay if I want different things now.  It is also okay that I miss the person I was, but know that I can't go back to that girl.  She is meant for more than she even dreamed.  She became a mom and wife.  She became important to three tiny people here and one in Heaven.  She became the love of the man she always wanted.  She doesn't have to be perfect as she thought she did.  She traded in her body for her children and the man she loves, loves her more for the fact that she did so for his children.  That it is okay to respect herself for it all.  That surviving was enough.  But it doesn't have to be everything she will be forever.

Love has stretched, broken, repaired, and rescued me.  All the things I thought love equated weren't wrong, I just learned how much more it can be...and I will continue to for eternity...