Her small girl eyes had noticed what I try to avoid. Quietly she voiced this observance, "There are a lot of babies in here."
Almost trembling I nodded and said, "I know."
Then a moment passed and she added. "Why?"
"I don't know." I offered not knowing what to say; trying to keep my emotions in check.
"Because they need to have them?" She offered me.
I nodded and thought that was the end of the conversation. My small daughter had voiced what I only allow myself to think each Sunday.
Then she said the words I have been dreading..."I wish we had a baby."
Tearfully I told her I did too as I hugged her gently.
"I wish we had a Declan baby." She finished miserably.
A smack would have produced less tears. I couldn't hold them back. I had feared that she had been missing her brother lately. She has been so emotional, not wanting to sleep in her own room, and telling me how lonely she is at home.
How I wanted to assure her that someday she will be able to offer her big sister responsibilities on a baby...but I couldn't. All I could do is brush away the stream of tears.
I have felt better lately. I have an unspeakable peace when it comes to Declan. But there is a pang each time I find out that I'm not going to have a baby in my arms in 9 months.
I even, for my own sake and those around me, have had to put my dreams of having another baby on hold...my heart couldn't take the pain.
Emmy wanting a baby just makes that pain more real. I want it for her...maybe more than myself.
I had to wait almost 7 years to have a little sister. I wonder if that will be Emmy sometimes.
I really can't complain. Bryce was a surprise we weren't even trying for. Emmy took longer, but not even that long in the grand scheme of things. And Declan...well he was instant the minute we decided to add a third child to our family.
I suppose that is why 18 months after Declan has been a bit puzzling. I have never had to wait like this. I know that is pathetic to the years and years many of my friends and family have had to wait. I suppose in the tiniest, pinhole way I can understand the agony of not getting that sweet baby when your heart is crying for it.
I made peace with it...so I thought...but now a new wound has opened. For Emmy. Her desire for a baby makes this all new and hard all over again.
I was surprised I was able to pull it together the rest of church...it helped that I was able to help teach Bryce's primary class.
When I arrived home something was waiting for me...
...as if it were just for me to remind me that everything is going to be okay no matter how hard it is. I'm not forgotten.
Even if it does take several years...my arms are open and waiting.