Lately I have needed a huge dose of inner strength...but honestly it has been running a bit dry.
I have landed myself right where I never wanted to end up...at the beginning. It is as if I started running a race and though time and time again I have slipped and fallen; I got up and kept pressing forward...then bam...go back to the start.
Not exactly where I wanted to end up at this point.
My first inclination is to recoil and just stay here. It's not so very bad, right? I probably could remain here the rest of my life and have lived a decent life. But instead could I have lead an extraordinary life? (Maybe not to other people, merely to myself) One that I pushed for, hoped for, and gave everything I had for?
Now that seems like a life worth living.
I don't want to just drift and see where I end up...I'm doubting it would be that amazing if I did. I want to dream, accomplish, and even if I fall flat on my face I will know I did all I could do. What else could we be required?
I think it is human tendency to feel that the hand we've been dealt is all we can ever hope for...but what if that wasn't the intent? What if we were destined for more?
After many months, and probably almost 29 years, of feeling that I can't...maybe I need to reevaluate and think am I willing? Am I willing to put in the effort? Am I willing to see this through? Am I ready to hope then jump in with determination? Or am I just going to tell myself, "I can't...?"
Christian has been the driving force behind all of this reflection. He dreams big and I love him for that. Even when things don't exactly turn out his way...he always seems better for it...even failing...than never trying it.
As a kid I loved to dream big. I would think of all the wonderful things I wanted to accomplish in life.
Life didn't turn out quite like I'd hoped. Somehow down the road it finally occurred to me...wait life isn't fair...and when I did I wasn't very pleased. Sometimes I caught myself feeling where's my genie? Don't I get a chance to get everything I want? Instead of embracing the unfairness as a reality and pushing past it, I let it define me...telling me that there was no use...life just wasn't fair.
I could fill journals...and have...of thoughts and feelings about fairness. But in the last year I not only understand on a very deep level that life is not fair...but that it wasn't meant to be. If everything was...life would not be worth it.
As Christian reminded me today there was only One who could have made it on His own. It wasn't fair that He suffered, for He had done nothing wrong, but He chose to go through the ultimate unfairness to make life worth it in the end for us. We were given the chance to be forgiven for our mistakes, we would surely make, and in turn live with our Heavenly Father again.
So even though this life may not ever be fair...the next life is more than fair...in fact it is much more than we could ever dream.
So at the end of this I have a list of 10 life goals...some I can accomplish in a year, few years, and hopefully before I die...but even if I fail at some of them...I can't live life feeling that I can only dream realistically...what would be the fun in that anyway?
So as the new year approaches I think I'm unleashing the child-like Christy who once dreamed big - even if to others I seemed insignificant or that task impossible.
Helen Keller once said, "While they were saying among themselves it cannot be done, it was done." - I very much believe that and have witnessed it...and strive for it in my life...
