I have had a very...interesting month. I'm not sad to say goodbye to November. It wasn't terrible, just not great either. I've had worse.
Last Sunday, was a disaster! It started on Saturday night...I don't know if my lack of sleep just finally got to me or hormone craziness, but wow. It lingered to Sunday...and I was struggling!
I sat down in our meeting where we just meet as women and I was chatting with a friend. I was trying to keep it together, but then my sweet Angel baby mommy friend sat behind me and touched my arm. I turned around and she asked how Thanksgiving was.
I unsuccessfully told her it was good. She told me she was unconvinced. Then I clarified that it was good, but I wasn't now. Then I proceed to burst into tears like a crazy woman. Sobbing and telling her how much I want another baby and how frustrated I was it hasn't happened yet...like she needed to hear that!
Then the sweet woman in front of me that just lost her sister-in-law mere days before turns around to comfort me with a tissue. I felt like a blithering idiot. Obviously I am emotionally unstable.
Since then I have just been so emotional it is almost humorous. Seriously! Poor Christian didn't know what to do with me. When he saw me after church I could tell he was concerned, but completely at a loss what to do with his crazy wife.
Yesterday wasn't much better. Emmy was playing with my theraband that I workout with. She had folded it up and was cradling it in her arms. Then she proceeded to say, "Mommy, my baby died."
I about lost it. I tearfully told her that not all babies die. Poor thing! My biggest fear is that Emmy is going to be so scared to have kids someday. It breaks my heart how much my kids worry now. I know when I do actually get pregnant that I have to tread lightly so my kids don't worry about it.
I have been comforted knowing that we will add to our family someday. I sometimes feel though that I've been stuck this last year. Nothing has changed. I haven't gotten my pre-pregnancy body back - not for a lack of trying - or a pregnancy. So here I am feeling the same that I did last year...and I thought I had been trying to step forward. Working hard to get into shape, but failing miserably.
Keeping my perspective, that all things have their season and life doesn't have to be perfect to be enjoyable, seems to be a huge weakness of mine.
Luckily this year the holidays don't feel like a stabbing pain like they did last year. I remember sitting Christmas day feeling like my world was crashing down around me and all I wanted was to curl in a ball and pretend it wasn't happening. This year I am looking forward to Christmas shopping and absorbing all this season has to offer; especially hope!
I am yet to get my tree up, I kept trying, but I was vetoed by my son...hmm. Well I think I have finally talked him into it. 25 days till Christmas! Yay!
