Christian and I had a free flight and were trying to figure out how to utilize it best. After the kids and I got sick we decided this last weekend I would fly up alone. When we originally decided it I wasn't thinking about what had occurred last year this last weekend.
I knew I would be up there on the 9th of October...the day we buried Declan. I thought it would be good for me to be able to visit his grave and even release balloons just like we did the day we buried him. But what I hadn't thought of was the flights that would bring all those memories back.
As I flew up on Friday I sat down in my seat and it struck me hard...this about the day I flew up last year for the funeral. As I sat thinking I pictured the pain-filled journey flying a week after my c-section. I remember we were in the last row...Christian, Bryce and I. My mom was several rows up with Emmy. I had cuddled up to Christian and leaned my head on his shoulder squeezing his hand much too hard the entire plane ride.
As I landed on Friday and pulled up to the gate I said a thankful prayer in my heart...though I know it was silly. I walked out of the plane and thought how different this trip was...how far I had come. Though I miss Declan terribly I don't feel like the wind had just been knocked out of me and I couldn't catch my breath.
I walked the long journey from my gate to baggage claim, though I didn't check a bag, and there they were; waiting for me. Two of my sisters met me at the airport. Again my mind flashed back to when I saw my sister the first time after we had arrived for the funeral. I almost couldn't even look at her the pain seared too deep. Instead we busied ourselves with the tasks at hand.
This time, only joy showed on our faces.
I decorated Declan's grave with fall. I love fall...and my sisters patiently waited as I picked out items to put on his headstone. It surprises me how much it cheers me to be able to decorate his grave.
Sunday before I departed for home we did a balloon release. Three of my nephews attended and wrote on their balloons. It touched my heart...
As I watched my family and my sister's boyfriend holding the balloons and writing on them...I felt this was it. My darkest days were behind me. I would miss him, but be able to enjoy my life.
As the balloons slowly floated away...they were bought the day before...I watched my balloon. I had written on it for my whole family...though they were not able to be there.
On my way home the sun was setting. The pink and orange hues slowly turned into a burnt faded orange and then finally the flicker of the sun was gone. The clouds had been illuminated by this beautiful scene and my heart felt at peace knowing that in one year I have come this far...let's hope the next few years prove to be even better.A year ago today I was on my way home from the most devastating event of my life, burying my sweet baby, but today as I write this I feel the Lord's hand in my life, lovingly showing me that this separation is not meant to be permanent or to break me, but to be temporary and mold me into something much more precious than anything I could do on my own.
We love you Declan! We always will! You are always in my thoughts and heart! Until we meet again...